Halloween Candy

Tonight is the night children will don costumes and begin their annual quest for sweet treasure. I'm really not a fan of Halloween, but I do love seeing the creative costumes. The best (or worst?) part is that my family begins preparing weeks in advance by stockpiling candy.

For as long as I can remember, my Dad has been known as the "Candy Man." Whenever he goes to church, kids of all ages find him, knowing that he has a sugary treat for them. As soon as October arrives, Dad begins looking for the most exciting bag of candy to share with the young revelers who will knock on the door on October 31.

Because of Dad's health issues this year, Dad settled for a simple bag of treats. Of course, my family didn't wait until Halloween to start enjoying the confections! For some reason, I opted for a different candy this year. Instead of reaching for a wafer drenched in chocolate, I grabbed a box of Milk Duds from the sack.

And that was the beginning of the end! Those little nuggets of chocolate-covered caramel are addicting! I feel like I need to find a meeting of CEA -- Candy Eaters Anonymous -- in order to deal with my problem. But I think I'll wait until Halloween is over, unless the little yellow boxes of yummy-ness disappear into my tummy first!

If I Had Another Career...

I absolutely love my job! It is thrilling to make music on a daily basis in various styles and settings. I didn't always plan on being a pianist. As a child, I thought I would be a teacher. I'm luck that I get to live out my childhood dream of teaching as well as continuing to develop my own skills as a performer and musician.

While commuting to a morning rehearsal last weekend, I began to wonder what I might be doing if I hadn't found my way to music. What careers do I think I would have liked to try?

What I quickly realized is that I have developed multiple interests and skills throughout my life. I narrowed the list to four careers I think I might have enjoyed exploring.

Since I like to read and write so much, work as an editor would be fun. I'm fascinated by the process of raising questions that help an author find focus, clarifying their message. Along the same lines, my joy in helping others became the best person they can be makes me consider work as a counselor. I have experienced a bit of peer counseling while serving in ministry. I enjoyed seeing people consider new options that led to changes. My frustrations in ministry were often associated with people continuing down destructive paths.

I have become a planner and organizer in recent years. I have gotten to plan several vacations for my family and really enjoyed doing it. Since I value rest and relaxation so much, work as a travel agent might have been a good fit. I would probably spend the majority of my income visiting destinations of all sorts in the name of job-related research!

My mother has instilled a love of experimenting in the kitchen. I've also developed quite a sweet tooth. Why not become a pastry chef? There would only be a few downsides -- the fact that I would only be able to wear pants with elastic waistbands and that I would have to wash the dishes more frequently!

Even though these careers seem as though they would be fun at first, I think I will stick to my life as a musician as long as I am physically (and financially) able. After all, it is the work that I was created for, so nothing else could ever be as fulfilling!

Hits and Misses (October 19-25)

Another busy week is in the books! Here's a look back at the week that was....

HITS

• The week began with getting to attend church with both of my parents for the first time since Dad's triple bypass. Rather than making the commute to Collierville, Dad decided to join me at First Marion last week. It was such a sweet day of worship as a family that I especially enjoyed. After church, the siblings joined us in Crawfordsville for lunch together.
• It's been a FULL week of music making that has mostly been successful. The highlight of the week was an outstanding senior voice recital by Lauren Harris on Friday night that featured the John Carter Cantata. I'm glad I got to perform this difficult work with Lauren, but very happy that I don't have to rehearse it any more at the moment! (Waaaayyyyy too many notes!) I've also enjoyed rehearsing with a couple of instrumental students for upcoming performances and had a quick rehearsal with the men's choir at Union this week. Lots of good music in the works that will be performed this week.
• On Wednesday, I attended my first rehearsal with the praise band at Marion First. It has been nearly 15 months since I played in an ensemble in a worship setting. I have to admit that I was a bit apprehensive stepping back into this type of situation again, but I really enjoyed myself. It's a wonderful feeling to have the opportunity to use my talents as an act of worship without having the stress and responsibility that had been associated with playing in the past. 
• Friday afternoon saw a very "interesting" opera rehearsal at Union. There's nothing quite like seeing a grinning Dr. Warren wearing a dragon's head to cut through the tension and give us some much needed laughter. 
• The week ended with a very nice dinner at Bosco's on Saturday night. The food was great, but the company was what really made the meal special. There was lively, invigorating conversation and plenty of laughter as old friends dreamed together again. We'll just have to wait and see what exciting things come about because of this dinner in the coming months.

MISSES

• I've been reminded this week how dissatisfied I am with my position in West Memphis. After 6 years, it is becoming clear that circumstances are never going to change and I will continue to be frustrated. I'm actively looking for opportunities that would allow me to let this position go once and for all.
• While playing Lauren's recital on Saturday night, I was reminded of why I prefer a long piano bench to an artist's bench in collaborative performance. The second movement of Carter's Cantata required lots of movement from one region of the keyboard to another. In rehearsal, I was able to reposition my body easily in order to have the easiest access to the notes needed. In the recital, I was sitting on a tiny artist's bench that didn't allow for much shifting of positions. I was so afraid that I was going to fall off into the floor in the middle of the piece.
• Saturday was an incredibly busy day. I left Jackson and drove straight to First Marion for a Christmas musical rehearsal. As soon as we broke for lunch, I exited and headed over to the dress rehearsal for the high school cabaret. The high school students and I ran that program twice before heading to Bosco's with a quick stop at the library. Even though it was a productive day and everything went well, I was worn out by the time I finally hit the bed that night.
• When you're surrounded by good conductors all week in both academia and church work, it becomes extremely challenging when you find you have to work with a weaker conductor. What I find is that the better conductors do less talking and more rehearsing. If words are needed to explain a concept to an ensemble, it's often because the message wasn't communicated clearly through the baton.
• Just as frustrating is watching a hard-working student perform less than their best as a result of poor coaching. In these situations, I find myself wondering if the student isn't aware of the poor instruction they are receiving or if they simply don't care. It's a tough balancing act.....and I'm still trying to decide whether I should speak up or remain silent. 

There you have it! Hope you have a great week ahead.

Purple Daisies.....for Domestic Violence Awareness

I have struggled with writing this post. Let me warn you from the beginning -- this is not going to be pretty. It is important though. Because of that, I refuse to edit myself or attempt to wrap things up in a neat package.

Last week, I participated in a Facebook activity to replace the negativity often found there with images of beautiful flowers. Gerber daisies were chosen as my flower. The next post on my news feed was a purple ribbon, honoring the many women and children in our country who are victims of domestic violence. Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, I decided to combine the activities into a single post. Domestic violence has become a personal issue for my family in the last few years. My purple daisy bouquet is for my sister.

In 2009, my sister came forward with the awful truth that she had been the victim of domestic abuse for five years at the hands of her husband who she was now divorcing. In addition to the physical and emotional abuse Carlene suffered, her pain was heightened as she realized that the emotional abuse was also impacting her two young daughters.

The details of Carlene's ordeal is hers to tell. Truthfully, I'm confident that I only know a portion of the horror and suffering she endured at the hands of the monster she married. What I CAN address are my personal feelings as a family member who also had to deal with the repercussions of the violence she endured.

ANGER!!!! That one word sums up so much of my feelings. I was furious that a man professing Christianity could inflict the bruises that I photographed along my sister's back and arms. I despised that my nieces had witnessed the violence and lived in constant fear. I fumed as I learned that this arrogant idiot of wasted air attempted to convince people that my sister had inflicted the injuries on herself!

My anger turned to rage as my family had to take significant steps to ensure our personal safety as well as that of Carlene and the girls. The jerk's abuse continued as he called my mother at work, appeared at our various places of employment, and ultimately began living in the same apartment complex that Carlene settled in in order to continue contact and dominating her life.

As I heard the responses from some in the church to my sister's situation, I was floored. "You made a commitment for life and need to stay in the marriage and try to work things out."  "Jesus said to turn the other cheek."  "He's just going through a hard time. Things will get better eventually." I wondered which of these "insightful" people would have offered the same advice if they were living in constant fear. I definitely began to understand why so many victims say that they don't feel safe confiding in the faith community; with responses like the ones Carlene heard, no one would find comfort or safety there.

Even though my sister gained her freedom from her personal hell over five years ago, I still experience frustration that continues to stem from the abusive relationship. I despise watching my sister struggle financially to make ends meet because the A-hole has failed to pay child support as ordered by the court for at least four years. That leads to other frustrations with Tennessee Child Welfare for not monitoring the situation closely as well as with Carlene for not pressing the issue more. I nearly blow a gasket every time I hear my nieces complain about having to visit the man who provided the sperm that produced them (I'm sorry....he doesn't deserve to even be referred to as a biological father, in my opinion!); it would appear to a rational person that failure to fulfill a responsibility outlined in the divorce decree (e.g. monthly child support payments) would result in the loss of parental rights and visitation.

When I get incredibly frustrated and upset at the situation that my family finds itself in simply because one man could not appropriately manage his temper, I find myself fantasizing. I fantasize about the day that the state of Tennessee finally notices that child support has not been paid. I dream about the abuser finally spending time behind bars. I wonder what the reception for him will be as other inmates learn of the pain that was inflicted on a woman and innocent children at his hands. I'm not stupid enough to fantasize about inflicting the pain on the idiot myself.....but I wouldn't mind being a casual observer either!

As you can see, I have no use for this man that I consider the scum of the earth. He didn't just inflict pain on random people; he violently abused those I love. He made their home a prison. That caused me pain as well. No one should ever have to suffer at the hands of someone who promised "to love, honor, and cherish" them. Sounds like a big lie to me....

So don't placate me with terms about how I need to find forgiveness. I really don't want to hear it. All I want is to display these purple daisies as a sign to those who might be dealing with abuse in their own life that they are not alone and that there are some of us who refuse to remain silent any longer. It's time for the shame many of these victims face to come to an end and for us to place the guilt where it belongs....firmly on the shoulders of the abuser!

Silencing the Critic Within

On Thursday evening, October 16, 2014, I had the distinct pleasure to participate in an outstanding student recital. Featuring works by Poulenc, Ives, Bellini, and Massenet, the performance was the culmination of a semester of thorough preparation. I felt very confident in my preparation as I walked on stage.

I also felt very tired. The week had been packed with all sorts of activities. As the start of the concert drew near, I began to feel that the week was catching up to me. I was depending on my solid preparatory work to carry me through the difficult program ahead. Thankfully, the recital was well-received and the audience was moved by the music.

As we exited the stage following the opening set -- Poulenc's Tel jour, telle nuit -- I found myself hearing the voice of my inner critic. I knew that I had played the cycle much better than what I had just presented. I was struggling to maintain focus. I was certain that I had disappointed my fellow performer and colleagues. In that moment, I knew how important it was to stay in the present moment and silence the inner critic. But his negativity was so LOUD and persistent!

I don't think my experience is unique. Regardless of what you do, it is easy to allow harsh criticism to rise up within you. Criticism can be a catalyst for improvement when properly handled. Criticism can also be crippling! One of our biggest challenges can be learning how to objectively listen to criticism and how to silence the inner critic when necessary.

Silencing your inner critic is an extremely personal process. Through trial and error, we individually learn the tools we can use to cause the negativity to stop. When I begin to criticize myself in an unproductive way, I intentionally look for things that were successful and think about them. I then remind myself that my worth -- as neither a musician nor a human -- is determined solely by my performance. Perhaps most importantly, I think about why the activity matters to me so much and challenge myself to enjoy the process since rehashing what is already done will not change the past at all.

Thursday's performance was far from perfect, but it was much more successful as I chose to enjoy the music-making instead of punishing myself for past sins. Whether you are performing on a concert stage, in a classroom, or in an office building, my hope for you is the same -- may you continue to live in the moment, enjoying your passionate pursuit as you diligently silence the accusing voice of your harsh inner critic!

Hits and Misses (October 12-18)

What a WILD and crazy week it has been. I hesitate to take a look back for fear that it might repeat itself....but here goes!

HITS

• I had a blast playing auditions for Union University's upcoming production of Into the Woods this week. I played a lot of music, observed some outstanding auditions, and sat in on the casting process. I'm really excited about the high level of talent that will be involved in this first joint effort between the music and theater departments this Spring. Now I know how I'll spend my Christmas break!
• With all of the auditions and since I didn't have to teach in West Memphis because of Fall Break (can I get an Amen?), I was able to stay in Jackson through Wednesday. OMG! I felt like a different man when I didn't have to make the extra trip back home. I hope that one day I'll be able to shift my entire life to Jackson if I'm going to continue to play in the city. My productivity and the quality of my playing would skyrocket.
• Now that October is here, I've been missing my friends in southern California. It has almost always worked out that I have been able to return for a visit every fall. This year, things just weren't going to be possible due to Dad's health crisis earlier and the expenses involved with that. This week, I learned that the trip will be occurring after all! Some friends wanted to express their love and help me get there. I don't know how to explain my feelings.....I'm overwhelmed, honored, humbled, and speechless. More than anything, I truly feel the love! I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that everything works out for this short trip to the left coast.
• More recitals and recital hearings took place this week. Thursday night was a wonderful performance experience that I am honored to have taken part in. My favorite memory of the week came at the end of the hearing earlier that afternoon though. The student walked out of the room calmly, but as soon as he hit the threshold of the recital hall the entire mood changed! Trevor sprinted out of view of the faculty and leaped with elated joy that things had gone so well. It was awesome to physically see the weight and pressure lifted from his shoulders.
• To round out a fairly good week, Dad had his check-up with the cardiologist on Friday and got a glowing report. While all the restrictions have not yet been lifted (we think we're waiting on the end of cardiac rehab for that), we don't return to the cardiologist until January, 2015. What a relief!

MISSES

• During Thursday night's recital, I struggled with my inner critic for the first time in a long time. I think it had a lot to do with my general fatigue after a long week. I'll be sharing some of my thoughts about this experience in Wednesday's post.
• On Sunday afternoon, I arrived at church for a scheduled rehearsal. Little did I know that the rehearsal had been cancelled and I didn't get the memo. Since I've been in the leadership position before, I totally understand how things like this can happen and know that it was unintentional. Still, it made me a little shaky going into an already busy week.
• I am not a fan of the high school cabaret I was drafted for. A rehearsal was scheduled for Friday afternoon that caused me to rush from the doctor's appointment to make sure I was on time. You KNOW how I felt when I left after 75 minutes and NONE of the scheduled singers showed up for their appointment. The only good thing about this show is that it will be performed next weekend and I won't have to deal with it anymore!

The Power of Pocket Dialing

While having lunch this week, I got a text message from a friend telling me that I had pocket dialed her earlier in the day. I laughed and could only imagine what she had heard at the moment I had called. (Thankfully it was nothing embarrassing!)

Once the day's work was done, I knew that a "real" call was in order. Despite the 5 hour difference, we were finally able to connect. Our two hour conversation picked up as though we had just talked yesterday! That's the sign of a true friendship. At the end of the call, I was encouraged and knew that I had answered some important questions honestly. 

When we first met nearly 20 years ago, who would have imagined that this girl from Honolulu would have such a lasting impact on my life? Love you, TV! Now we really have to plan another trip for some eyeball-to-eyeball laughter and fun.