Answers You Never Wanted

When I first planned to write this post, it was going to be a long rant about being asked questions by people that didn't really want to hear the truthful answers from you. Instead, they just wanted you to mindlessly comply and agree with the posit they had presented. As I prepared to tell you about the eye rolling and my frustration, LIFE happened and brought a much more important story to tell.


Let me introduce you to my friend, Stacy. Stacy and I attended Pepperdine together and both majored in music. I don't remember how our connection started -- just looking at the two of us, you never would have expected us to be good friends -- but that's what happened. We studied together, hung out in the practice rooms together, and just did life together for many years. As we neared graduation, life took us in different directions, but we remained friends.


After graduation, Stacy and I lost touch. I often wondered how life had treated her after returning to her native Wisconsin. With the birth of Facebook, Stacy and I reconnected and I got my answers. It was always fun to see her posts and feel as though I had some idea what was going on in her life. A few weeks ago, I began to follow her daily posts with much more interest. One of her children, August (who is also called "Auggie") began to have a medical crisis.


Auggie's day began as usual, but in a flash, he was suddenly unable to walk or use muscles on one side of his body. Immediately hospitalized in a Wisconsin children's hospital, the search for the cause of his illness began. I watched in horror from a distance as this child that I have never met became worse daily. He was unable to keep food down and was obviously becoming frustrated with his weakened condition. Stacy and her husband, Grant, were dealing with sleepless nights since one of them had to stay with Auggie around the clock because the hospital couldn't provide staff to help the child clear his throat in the event of another vomiting episode. (Because of Auggie's inability to move, he would choke without assistance.)


Doctors provided lots of hypotheses about Auggie's condition. I cringed as I read of each new test this once-vibrant child was facing. Each new test ruled out a possible condition, but answers seemed to be fleeting. As the search for a cause continued, Auggie began to face hours of therapy in addition to the medical tests. This child needed to learn how to function in a wheelchair as well as how to complete basic tasks to return to some level of normalcy. By this point, I was ready to hop in my car and make a trip to Wisconsin! Even if I didn't know Grant or the kids, there had to be something I could do to help. The fact that I had no car available while recovering from my own accident helped me decide that the best thing I could do right now was to follow the daily updates and vigilantly pray for this precious child.


After several weeks of struggles for the family, the update no one wanted to see appeared. It had become clear that Auggie was a very sick child. On a late May afternoon, Stacy shared a beautiful post that Grant had written announcing the findings. Their son had been diagnosed with juvenile Multiple Sclerosis (MS). My heart broke for Auggie. In a moment, his life -- and the lives of his family and friends -- were forever changed. It was definitely an answer that no one wanted to hear.


So now what? How does this impact me? My prayer has become that I won't forget about Auggie, Stacy, and Grant in the weeks and months ahead and that I will continue to intercede for them. In the meantime, I am educating myself about MS -- its treatment, research, and fund raising efforts. I'm hoping to learn if there are any plans in the works for a benefit concert for Auggie -- Stacy has been actively involved in the thriving theater in her community -- and see if I can join the efforts as a performer. But most of all, I will thank God for the healthy children around me and ask for His mercy and peace to be poured out on those dealing with life-altering illnesses as part of their daily routine.

• P.S. - Livin' Life will not appear on Monday in observance of the Memorial Day holiday. I'll be spending the day with family, but posts will resume on Wednesday with the latest installment of "Hits and Misses."

Things That Never Go Away

We all have things in our past we would like to forget. Missteps. Poor choices. Fashion blunders. If you're like me, you also have friends to make sure that your past never truly goes away.

While at Pepperdine, I was beginning to dress like a young professional. But I didn't want to fall into the boring realm of only wearing white and blue oxfords. I like wearing vivid colors. They make me happy.....and I am really a happy guy!

On a certain shopping trip -- I honestly don't remember the details -- I decided to be a little more adventurous than normal and bought a "dusty rose" shirt. I must place that term in quotation marks because my housemates quickly informed me the color was more appropriately described as "pink." My conservative Southern roots at the time could not come to grips with the idea that a man could wear pink and maintain his manhood. I tried passing it off as "peach" -- but that didn't work since it hung near another shirt in my wardrobe that could only be described as the color of the fuzzy Georgia fruit. So...the harassment began because of my pink shirt.

It has been many years since that questionable shirt has hung in my closet -- although I am certain you could find other offending items there now. The harassment never ends. Like clockwork, my college friend will frequently make mention of THE shirt in our conversations. I still attempt to educate her on the fine line that exists between "rose" and "pink." My efforts fall on deaf ears and I find myself once again reliving the misguided mistake of my youth that seems to be destined to follow me for the rest of my life.

And the taunting reminds me that I am loved...and I wouldn't have it any other way!

 

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Too Little, Too Late?

Have you ever been involved in a situation that completely destroyed a relationship? It might have come at the hands of a close friend, a family member, or a business associate. Now imagine that the person returned at a later time in an effort to make amends. There are times that the relationship can be restored. But I'm wondering if there is a point where the hurt is too deep and the relationship has been broken too long that makes reconciliation impossible? Is there a time where it is truly too little, too late?

I've struggled with this question at various times in my life. One of the first things I have to address is whether having irreconcilable differences implies a lack of forgiveness? Over the years, I have come to think that reconciliation and forgiveness do not always occur at the same time. I may have honestly forgiven someone for the pain they brought into my life while also admitting that I have not observed a significant change in their attitude or behavior that assures me the destruction will not reappear. In those cases, I think it would be foolish to reconcile too quickly; this becomes a matter of self-preservation. I know the damage that has been caused and that I am not ready to allow a repeat performance to occur.

I like to think that I am also older, wiser, and more cautious. I have learned from past experience to see warning signs in interactions with others that suggest hurt is on the way. Some may ask how I can determine that the other person has not changed without giving them a chance to prove me wrong. My answer is that a lack of trust on my part would not be beneficial to either party. By admitting that I am not convinced the situation would be any different, I am effectively saying I am not at a place where I am ready to risk being hurt again. When it all comes down to it, I have to take steps to protect my emotional health at all costs.

Sometimes I think the most important reason for declaring a situation "too little, too late" is that I have already found peace with the situation and moved on. I have developed other relationships that are encouraging me and bringing me fulfillment. Why would I ever consider leaving a peaceful setting in order to return to past hurts and memories?

Yep.....there are times that we simply have to say that it is "too little, too late."

Saying Thanks

The past few weeks have driven home the fact that sometimes words are insufficient. As Dad's recovery in the hospital appeared to begin winding down, my family and I reflected on the many expressions of kindness we had received from friends. We were overwhelmed by the compassionate care we received from the exceptional doctors and nurses. I found myself wanting to express my sincere gratitude to everyone, but somehow the mere words "thank you" seemed so insufficient.

Sending cards seemed to be the best solution I could find to come close to expressing myself. There's just something about the process of selecting a card and taking the few moments needed to put thoughts and emotions on paper that communicate your sincere feelings. Even though the words still fall short, the activity begins to express appreciation. My only regret is that it is simply impossible to contact every single individual that has positively impacted my family.

As I wrote my notes to friends, I found myself wondering why I only send cards when life's "big" events hit. Not only do the messages tell others what's on my heart, but they also become a type of prayer of thankfulness and blessing on the people I'm writing. Can you imagine the effect a card might have on a friend who receives it "just because"? Email is a quicker method of communication. Facebook and Twitter are much easier. Still, there's a special feeling we get when we receive a hand written message by snail mail. It required some effort. It took some time. It says "I am special."

What name just crossed your mind? Stop what you're doing and send them a card today. Tell them you are thinking about them.....I'm sure it will brighten their day!

A Lesson from Lemonade

Nothing says summer quite like a cold glass of lemonade. I love freshly squeezed lemonade that's carefully mixed with ice cold water and sugar to achieve the perfect balance between sweet and sour. Let's be honest though. Making fresh lemonade is too much work! Why bother to thinly slice the lemons, find the perfect balance, and make it look as though Martha Steward herself prepared the beverage when I can easily fill a plaster pitcher with cold water and stir in the Country Time mix! After all, who needs the trouble when the artificial is just as good as the real stuff?

As I sip on my Country Time lemonade, let me assure you that there definitely IS a difference between the artificial and the authentic. That same truth can be applied to many things in life. Authentic, unconditional love is far superior to that which is contrived in hopes of receiving something. Instant potatoes are no match for the fluffy creamed potatoes impeccably blended in Mom's kitchen. Polished cubic zirconia cannot compare with the luminosity of fine diamond. Then why do we settle for the inferior imitations of authenticity?

I've had my share of the fake in life. I've plastered on a smile rather than finding true happiness. I've settled for friendships that were interested in what I could offer without giving anything in return. I've spent seasons satisfied with a shallow spiritual life instead of the deep abiding relationship the Savior offers. In every instance I have found the same thing; settling for anything less than the authentic will always leave you wanting more.

Sometimes I've settled because it was easy. I didn't want to confront the problem head on, so I settled by gritting my teeth and bearing the burden alone. I was afraid of appearing weak so I didn't address the sadness that I was really feeling. I was unwilling to surrender every part of me in order to walk in communion with Christ. I feared what others would say if my pursuit of the authentic resulted in failure.

I'm tired of settling for the fake. It's worthless. It's draining. It's empty because we know that there is something more. The good news is that we can have authenticity in every area of our life if we're willing to pursue it. The pursuit may be difficult and there may be times that we miss the mark. The chase will be worth the effort when we finally experience authenticity.

Are you going to settle for Country Time or will you attempt to make a perfect gallon of fresh lemonade? It's time for me to start slicing the lemons. Maybe you'll want to join me......

Phone-a-Phobia

Hello. My name is Kennith and I must admit that I have a problem. I truly despise having conversations on the telephone. I am a phone-a-phobic person and desperately need an intervention!

While I write this somewhat tongue in cheek, there is an element of truth to this post. I find talking to someone on the phone to be extremely impersonal because I can't see their expression. I want to look at you eyeball to eyeball and ascertain what you're thinking. If there is a task to be done that requires I either place a call or drive out of my way to interact with a person, I will choose the extra mileage in order to avoid the phone call.

Sadly, this hatred of the phone has spread into my personal interactions with friends as well. It hasn't always been like this. There were nights that I looked forward to the phone ringing in order to speak with those who were spread across the country and even the world. (The summer my roommate was in Germany was not a happy time for my phone bill! That one still brings back an ache to my wallet.) Sometimes it appears that I am avoiding phone calls because I don't value my friends. The truth is that I'm being selfish! When I talk to these men and women who are so important to me, I become homesick for their company and very dissatisfied with my present situation. Eventually I just don't think I can handle the sadness anymore and pull away....and I stop returning calls.

When I finally realize that not talking to them is worse than becoming homesick, I feel awkward that I have allowed so much time to pass since my last phone call. I want to catch up on what's going on with them while I feel as though I desperately need to apologize for my neglect of them. I know I would be upset if someone had ignored me in the same way that I have ignored them. It's completely understandable.

I always tend to make an excuse for not calling that seems completely reasonable. It's most convenient for me to call while driving during the day. Since most of them are in other time zones and hold traditional jobs, they are either at work or still in bed. I don't want to disturb them, so I decide to wait. When I assume it's a more appropriate time for them to talk, I'm so tired that I put it off again. I often wonder which is worse -- phone silence or a voicemail left during an inopportune time of day?

Before beginning this post, I began to make some phone calls that I feared were going to be very awkward. Two voicemails later, I'm waiting to hear back from a couple of important friends. The third that I actually got on the phone was a great conversation. It felt so good to share with my him and know that even when we don't talk on a regular basis, we both hold a special place in the other's heart.

I've not made all the phone calls that are on my plate right now. So if you've not gotten a voice mail, don't assume you aren't important to me. I'm just working through a very long list. (If you know you're on my list and want to move up to the top....give me a call!) Here's my pledge to myself: for the next few weeks, I'll not screen calls when I'm free and will make return calls as soon as I can. Why? Because the people in my life are worth the investment of my time. I realize that now!

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Book Clubs

Today was filled with lots of activity and appointments that simply had to be kept. Since I knew the day was going to be crazy, I got an early start, knowing that I needed to knock a few things off my to-do list before leaving the house for the morning. I decided I needed some incentive to get things done, so I made a deal with myself. Once I finished the first three things on my list, I could spend the rest of the morning reading until I had to leave. I didn't even get to pick up a book. That made me very sad.....

And my sadness grew as I heard a radio announcer wishing everyone "Happy Read a Book Day" (honestly....it's celebrated on September 6). On September 8, we'll also celebrate International Literacy Day. I have been desperate to dive into a book all day long, but didn't have the time to spare. I have been thinking about how much I love books and how I desperately desire to be a part of a book club.

One of the primary reasons that I have been a student for so long is that I really enjoy getting to interact with books. It's not just reading the book that is so enthralling though. I love the conversation that ensues when a group of people come together and bring their various experiences and opinions to the table as they consider the implications of the written word. I couldn't imagine not having time to read while I was in my undergraduate program. So what did I do? I declared a second major in English literature. I knew I wasn't the best student in the program, but I knew that I was passionate about the material.

The social activity I would most enjoy participating in on a regular basis would be a reading group. I've had no luck finding one though. I've joined groups at the local library and area bookstores, but have always been disappointed because the members either didn't commit to participate regularly or the group only dove into a single genre of literature. When I participated in an office reading group, things never got off the ground. We tried to meet during our lunch break, but the demands of work kept calling us back. We were all too exhausted to consider committing to an additional night during the week.

Some have suggested that I start my own reading group. I'll admit that I have tried, but it still didn't provide what I was looking for. A church book club limited material that could be included due to language and topics that might offend some members. A group of performing artists is a rehearsal (read social party) waiting to happen....and there was little discussion of the material read.

Oprah's Book Club was the closest thing I've ever found. I enjoyed the wide variety of books selected and appreciated the passionate discussion that would normally occur. I missed the human interaction and building relationships though. Oprah has now reorganized her book club as version 2.0 which all occurs online. Everyone has the opportunity to communicate via Twitter and other social media, but the intimacy is lost.

I was intrigued by one of Oprah's latest suggestions for starting a book club. She suggested reading as a family and discussing the book as part of your family get-togethers. I see how this could be really fun in many families. Probably won't work for my situation though....while many in my family enjoy reading (and others do it just to keep their brain active), we're not reading for insight as much as we are for the entertainment value. There's only so much I can say about why I enjoyed a book without wanting to consider the moral, political, and philosophical implications.

So what is it that I'm really looking for? Ideally, I would find a group of 8-12 other readers who come from different backgrounds, professions, spiritual journeys, and education levels. I envision men and women who share a love for reading, a desire to think deeply about issues, and a willingness to listen and speak honestly without constantly being offended when/if they disagree. I don't want to be forced to be politically correct....especially if my opinions are not PC! We might share food together....but the focus is really on the book.

And, oh the books!  How wonderful would it be to read a self-help book followed by the latest best-seller. Then we dive into the heart of a classic American novel. Throw in a little philosophical writing and maybe even some religious (possibly non-Christian?) texts and you have a recipe for exciting and intellectually invigorating conversation.

If any of you have suggestions about where I can find a book club in the area, I'd love to hear from you! Until I find what I'm looking for, I'll keep dreaming about the day I'm able to participate on a regular basis and keep reading for my own pleasure and intellectual stimulation.  Now I suppose it's time I give in and spend some quiet time with my book.  Scarlett and Rhett, I'm coming to Tara for a visit now!

Expectations

All my life I have heard that you should not place expectations on anyone lest they let you down. Recently I've been thinking about this maxim and wondering if I truly agree with the principle. By not expecting anything from people, you are guaranteed safety. What you are not guaranteed, however, is success.

I have certainly learned over the years is that there are some you SHOULD be able to depend on:  family and close friends. Sadly, those people don't always see the responsibility as you do. I understand when close friends let you down occasionally. But family? That infuriates me! I should probably leave this topic alone, but it doesn't lessen the truth that I feel this way.

While expectations may result in disappointment, without expectations nothing will ever get done either! Unless I have the expectation of obtaining a certain position or level of excellence, I won't push myself or my team to reach it. Without the expectation that I can change a situation, I will continue to be stifled in the status quo.

This brings about the question of whether or not my expectations are set too high? In almost everything I do, I like to shoot for the moon! Dream big and aim high! That way even when I fail and people and situations don't meet my expectations, I can still experience some level of success because my expectations were so high.

Today has been a day filled with disappointment and frustration. Those I thought I should be able to depend on have let me down and shown their true colors. At the same time, others have stood by my side and rose above my expectations to assist in ways that were not their responsibility. It just goes to show that expectations are constantly changing....some for the better and some for the worse. Sometimes you just begin to expect the worst in a situation and are surprised when things go better than expected.

I'm thankful that tomorrow will be a new day with new expectations. That's the hope that comes with each new sunrise.

A Portion of Route 66!

In 1994, I was first introduced to the vocal arrangement of Route 66 by the Manhattan Transfer and fell in love with the song all over again.  I suppose part of my connection to the song was due to the fact that the historic route paralleled my annual journey to and from college. 

Today I found myself traveling those familiar roads once again as I made a last minute trip to Oklahoma City.  All alone in a car, I thoroughly enjoyed the time to meditate, pray, sing, and listen to a book on CD.  Mostly, I found myself remembering lots of great friends and laughter that accompanied me along Route 66 over the years.  A wonderful roommate who helped me drive a junk pile cross country....and didn't complain TOO much when the engine overheated in the New Mexico desert.  A fraternity brother who accompanied me on an insane round-the-clock drive to OKC (and me into Memphis alone) to surprise our families during the Thanksgiving holidays.  A funny red-head that kept me in stitches when it finally came time to leave the security of southern California and face the difficulties of graduate school. 

With such wonderful memories, why would I ever want to leave the splendor of Route 66? Here's a great video of the song that holds a special place in my heart for many reasons.

Reconnecting

Recently, I returned home to Malibu for Waves Weekend.  The event combined the activities commonly associated with Homecoming, Family Weekend, and Midnight Madness.  The weekend featured two other events that were very dear to my heart:  the 40th anniversary of the University Church of Christ and a fraternity education session of Psi Upsilon fraternity.

Throughout my time in Malibu, I encountered people who were extremely important to me while I was in school.  Teachers, friends, ministers, and roommates.  I am incredibly blessed that many of these people continue to be active parts of my life through the technology of social networking sites, speaking words of encouragement, affirmation, and challenge to me on a regular basis.

Perhaps the most special reunion of the weekend was one that occurred away from the eyes of others in the quietness of a cool southern California night.  A friendship I treasured during college had disintegrated into nothingness due to my hurtful words among other things.  How exciting to sit with my friend and deal with things that had long been avoided.  What I thought was irreparable began to be restored during the weekend.  I was prepared to lavishly apologize for my many wrongs;  when the time came to meet for the first time, I was greeted with a warm, kind smile and the statement that I had been sorely missed.  You cannot imagine my relief!  I wanted to apologize, but I wasn't looking forward to dealing with the guilt that would follow.  Knowing that I was already forgiven made the apology much easier and the time we shared more enjoyable and special.  I am thrilled to have reconnected with my friend and look forward to the next time our paths cross....I'm just hoping it will be soon rather than later!

Reconnecting with Old Friends

Recently I have had several opportunities to reconnect with people from my past. Some have been coincidental encounters; others have been planned reunions. Most have occurred online although some have had the added element of personal contact. Seeing these names and faces from my past has brought a few things to mind. I have had a very good life thus far – not that I'm planning on seeing it end any time soon – and have developed relationships of different qualities throughout my life. I am noticing a few trends, though.
My closest friends – those that I communicate with on a fairly regular basis – come from two areas of my life: my undergraduate years of college and church relationships. As I watch one of my young friends begin her studies at Delta State University in Mississippi, I am reminded of the bonds and connections that were formed during my freshman year at Pepperdine. Those friendships continued throughout our time in Malibu and many continue to this day. I'm excited for Courtney – and also a little jealous; my undergraduate years hold some of my most treasured memories.
Church has always been an influencing aspect of my life. Living deep in the Bible Belt, the son of parents who were – and continue to be -- highly committed to their faith, I found myself attending weekly church services regularly as well as traveling around the South for various meetings and conferences. As a result, I had friends throughout the region that I looked forward to seeing every time we got together. Our interests were diverse. We were not all the same age. An outsider looking into the scene would never have expected us to have much in common. The basis of our friendship was our commitment to Christ and our desire to serve Him unfalteringly. Today, many of those friends now live throughout the country and we rarely see each other; when we do get together, though, you can be sure there are lots of smiles and celebrations. Personally, I am thankful that technology such as Facebook reunites us across the miles and brings us into each other's homes again on a regular basis.
As I thought about this blog, I anticipated that music would be a connecting force for me as well. Many of my closest friends are involved in music, but as I explored my graduate studies I realized that I didn't walk away with many close friends. Don't misunderstand – I did make friends and there are a handful of people who crossed my path while studying in Memphis that I consider treasured friends, they are just few and far between. (Many of those close friends from my graduate work also shared a common faith that was central to the friendship and those that I bonded with while traveling overseas). Why is this the case? I can only come up with two explanations at this point. These may have merely been my experiences, but I tend to think this may be common to graduate students around the world regardless of their discipline. First, the graduate study focused on developing our musical careers. We were spending more time developing professional relationships (networking) rather than deep, lasting friendships. Second, many musicians treasure relationships with those outside of the field. After performing such intensely emotional music, some performers simply want to get away from those with whom they make music. That's definitely one of the downsides to this profession. I personally fall into that category. I have found very few of my performance colleagues who are capable of separating the personal from the professional – and it has created rifts in relationships. Often when the two aspects are not separated, the result is the end of both relationships. I hate that fact, but that's just the way it is. That's another blog entirely though.
So, my dear friends, you are treasured. I do not use the term "friend" lightly. Thank you for the impact you have made on my life. You will probably never fully understand how special you are to me!

Change of Plan

The original plan was to write this post from high in the air while I was flying from Atlanta to Los Angeles. Sometimes life has a way of throwing our plans into a tailspin. Instead, I am sitting on my couch with remains of a headache as I write. Needless to say, my plans underwent a serious change and even though I know it was the right decision to stay home, I am a bit disappointed. Truthfully, I don't really feel much like writing tonight, but I have gotten out of the routine so I am forcing myself to get something posted tonight – no matter how short it may be.
When I woke this morning, I wasn't feeling well at all. My body ached, my arm hurt, and the room was spinning. I tried to convince myself that I had just had a bad night's sleep and that I could still make the flight. As the morning went on, I soon had to admit that a trip to Los Angeles was simply not going to happen today. I was traveling to the West Coast to participate in the wedding of two very good friends…at least, I HOPE they are still my good friends when all of this is said and done! I was to play piano for their ceremony on Saturday afternoon. When I emailed them this morning, they were both very gracious and understanding, but I also know that their stress levels went through the roof.
I am feeling better now than I did earlier today, but I'm not going to push it, so this will remain a very short post. My left arm is still not 100% and my headache is now just a dull nagging ache as opposed to this morning's pain. Lots of things are changing in my world right now. I just hope that I am able to handle them all with grace and integrity.