Revisiting a Younger Me

In case you haven't guessed, I enjoy writing. That's part of the reason that I like blogging. There's just something priceless about putting words on the page to express my feelings and opinions about a myriad of subjects. Not all of my thoughts are intended or appropriate for public consumption though. There are times that I need to express my frustrations, deepest hopes, and greatest fears without inviting anyone else to read. That is the purpose of my personal journal.

I have kept journals -- or diaries, if you prefer -- off and on throughout my life. Journaling became a consistent part of my routine while nearing the end of my time at Pepperdine.  Lots of things were happening that put me into an uproar emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So I needed an outlet to express those thoughts without fear of offending people or getting myself into major trouble. My journal became the place to lay it all on the line without any self-editing.

Over the past week, I decided it was time to read those early journals for the first time in many, many years. It has been an eye-opening experience as I revisited the world that my 20-year-old self faced. Those were days of lots of drama and personal turmoil. I was struggling with my own identity as it related to my faith, my relationships with others, and my future as a musician. I had forgotten that there was a long period of time after completing my senior recital that I was convinced that I would never play the piano again because I had so many negative feelings attached to the experience of studying music. As I walk through those memories again, I am so thankful for the people who nurtured me and helped me realize that my negative feelings were not about the music, but about people with whom I was forced to interact. I have also been reminded of just how important my interactions with my current students are. I have found myself spending more time in prayer as I approach the beginning of a new year that the words I speak to my students will always be couched in sincere love for their well-being and their future endeavors.

Not all of my memories were bad. I found myself laughing frequently at my younger self. I loved looking back to a time when life was carefree. I shook my head as I lived again the emotional roller coaster of dealing with roommates and friends that didn't understand that I was right and they were wrong. I am amazed that I didn't get slapped a few times; years away from the situations quickly reveal just how wrong I really was. There were times I wanted to leap back in time and tell this naive Kennith that the issues that were causing me so much distress and heartache were really not that important in light of the big picture.

Occasionally, I found myself getting into a negative head space as I read my old journals. Insecurities and unresolved hurts reared their heads again and continued to torment me all these years later. Fortunately, I quickly realized what was happening and was able to clear my head -- as soon as I wrote about it in my current journal! Overall, it has been great to look back through the pages of my journals and reflect on how things were for me then. I just have to remind myself not to stay in the past.  My goal as I continue my personal journaling is that I will be able to LEARN from the past, LIVE in the present, and LOOK FORWARD to the future.

When Words Won't Come

The cursor flashes on the blank screen. I try to write a few words, but they aren't right. Backspace, backspace, backspace. I stare at the flashing dash as it taunts me to try again. I know I have something to say. I know that it is worth the effort. I just don't know how to start. Words simply won't come!

I have agreed to attempt a couple of writing projects that are larger than my everyday blogging. I have thought about the topics. I have formed my opinions. I have done the preliminary research. With a deadline looming and no clarity about where the writing will take me, I stare at the screen in fear. For some reason, I feel as though words that are actually typed carry weight and permanence. As soon as I acknowledge this false opinion, I go back to the "tried and true" method of writing. I grab a pen and a legal pad. Suddenly, words are pouring onto the page and the writing process doesn't seem as intimidating.

I can't explain why, but I find something comforting about literally putting pen to paper. I suddenly give myself permission to write in disconnected fragments. What surprises me the most about the process is how my mind quickly organizes the chaos in the act of writing by hand. Connections I was not previously aware of begin to be illuminated and the pieces of the puzzle begin to fall into place. 

It's been a long time since I have struggled to this degree with a writing assignment. I have to admit that I started with the project that was most interesting to me and that I knew would ultimately be successful. The one that remains has me intimidated. I'm not an authority on all aspects of this topic and that has me second-guessing myself. Add to that the stress that the paper is of more of a formal nature and you can begin to understand that procrastination is hard at work. So I suppose it's time to find some quiet time in the office this weekend when no one is around and just begin to spill my thoughts onto my legal pad and see what comes out. I'm hoping to be surprised at the final product.

Looking for Inspiration?

Creative people are constantly looking for inspiration. Normally inspiration is easy to find and the music, thoughts, and language flows freely. But what about those times when it seems that nothing moves you? Where do you begin to look to restore the creative juices? Here are a few of my faithful places to "visit" when I need to find fresh inspiration.

• Life adventures. Whether the memory is funny or tragic, reflecting on past experiences can often inspire my creativity. Many times I discover past emotions that I have not fully explored. Other times I find myself focusing on things that I want to make sure I never forget.
• Current frustrations. I know it sounds strange, but thinking about the things that frustrate me most often serves as the beginning of fresh inspiration. Since I don't like the situation, perhaps it is time to address it through my music. Maybe a solution to the problem can be presented in my writing. The inspiration may lead to discovering something in myself that serves as a launching pad for a new creative venture.
• Questions that need answers. All sorts of questions may spark creative inspiration and tend to be a good place to search for freshness. Your questions may range from "What is the answer to poverty?" to "Why don't I like onions?" or even "What is my purpose in life?" The inspiration isn't found in the answers themselves, but in the process of searching for the answer.
• Reading a good book. It's no secret that I love to read. In a book, the author introduces me to new people, places, and philosophies. As I read, my mind begins to explore....and creativity bursts to life.
• Other people. I find that many extremely creative people can sometimes prefer avoiding the crowds. For me, I can normally find inspiration by interacting with other people and simply listening to their stories and opinions about things. Before too long, my mind and heart respond and I'm on to a new project.
• My faith. The source of all creativity is found in the heart of the Creator of Heaven and Earth. When I'm desperate for inspiration, I find myself returning to the precepts of Scripture and my personal relationship with a loving God.

How do you find inspiration when the well has run dry? Please share your approaches in the comments below.

Fear of the Empty Page

Perhaps one of the most intimidating things for any writer is a blank page. The emptiness holds such potential. The possibilities are limitless. Still, as we recognize the power of the written word, we don't want to waste this opportunity. Authors want their words to matter. The hope is that what is written will impact an unknown reader, resulting in a smile, a tear, or consideration of a new perspective.

Does anyone truly hold the writer to such high expectations? Most readers will only take a cursory look at the words we have crafted. Still, we place immense pressure on ourselves to clearly convey our thoughts. We don't want to misrepresent ourselves. We know that for a few brief moments, we will have our reader's attention. Our writing has an opportunity to impact another person's life beyond the ability of our spoken word.

If writing fills us with such trepidation at the thought of the great responsibility, why continue? Personally, I continue because the words are transforming me. As I face the empty page, I am forced to think deeply and pour out my experiences to be shared with others. The exciting part of the process is when I am able to look at the experience objectively on the page, I begin to discover some of the life lessons I missed while simply livin' life. The writing becomes a personal log of experiences, successes, failures, fears, and hopes that I can carry beyond my failing memory.

So I'll continue to stand before the blank page. I'll keep searching for the story in my heart that's longing to be told. And I'll keep learning lessons about myself along the way. You're invited to join me on this journey of discovery any time you like.

Listening....

Image - www.anglicanfrontiers.com

Sometimes it's easy to forget when blogging that people are actually reading what you're putting into cyberspace. I write about my life and experiences. I blog what is of interest to me at the moment. I make fun of myself and my family. I vent my frustrations and annoyances. I remind myself of important lessons that I've learned. In the past few weeks, I've had two reminders that others are reading these comments.

I have a professional blog, Collaborations, that I devote to all things related to music. I share stories about teaching music appreciation, performing, practicing, teaching, and church music issues. In early July, I posted a review of a new book about the music of the 18th century. The review was overall very positive. I mentioned that some of the theoretical discussions got in the way of my enjoyment of the study. Imagine my surprise while driving home from visiting family to receive an email from the book's author! The email was very short and kind; it also included suggested reading that might change my feelings about the theories I found confusing. I was thrilled. A notable figure in musicology had read my blog.....and I had said nothing extremely offensive! Whew! I replied to the email, thanking the author for his recommendations that I have added to my reading list. (Now I just need to find time to actually READ the books!)

Yesterday morning, I got another reminder. A woman from southern California posted a comment on my FaceBook fan page telling me how much she enjoyed reading my blog. She mentioned how refreshing it was to read about musical issues from a Christian perspective. I have never met this young woman although we share two mutual friends via FaceBook. There is no logical reason to explain our connection. At first, I was tempted to think the post was nothing more than spam. Then I compared her comments with the normal spam I deal with on the page. It was clear that she is a real visitor. Talk about an ego boost and a reminder that people are watching and reading! (See.....I really do read your comments and appreciate hearing from you!)

I enjoy blogging (which should be obvious by now) and strive to present thoughtful and inspiring material on a regular basis. I never want to present myself in any way that is not honest. I simply want to be myself. Sometimes that may come across as harsh or critical, but I hope that in everything I write my desire to be a godly man shines through.

Whether you are writing an email, a note to your children, or a blog, remember that someone is going to read your words and that they're listening to what you have to say. How will your words portray you today?

I Resolve....

Now that we are a week into 2013, I'm finally ready to commit to my resolutions for the year. I guess I had to take things slowly and thoughtfully since making a public announcement makes me more accountable.  Some of these will be observable by everyone who knows me; the accomplishment of others will be things that only God and I will know.  Here's goes nothing......

1. Increase my personal reading.  Some of you are probably aware that I maintain another blog, Reading for Me, that details my path towards recapturing reading for personal fulfillment and pleasure.  The ultimate goal is to read 52 books in a single calendar year.  2012 saw the greatest number of books in a single year with 32.  My goal is to read at least 33 books in 2013.....but hopefully more!  The most difficult time of year to maintain my reading is when school is in session. Although I love the sensation of holding a book in hand, I am attempting to use my iPad as my primary reading device.  I hope this will enable me to continue reading even when I only have a few moments to spare throughout the day.
2. Lose 20 pounds.  This goal has caused me the most difficulty.  I want to set a goal that is achievable, but not too easy either.  In the summer of 2012, I began working with a personal trainer. With all of the ups and downs that the year brought, I have netted a total weight loss of 8 pounds.  Diet is a struggle when I'm on the road.....and keeping a consistent workout regiment is tough when I'm not at home.  To help with this process, I moved my gym membership today to Anytime Fitness;  Anytime also has a facility in Jackson, Tennessee.  Now I just have to get my mind in gear to workout when I'm working away from home.  You can follow my progress in my weight loss journey on my most sporadically published blog Just Have to Start Somewhere.
3. Write on a more regular basis.  Seeing that I have four blogs, it should be clear to most people that I enjoy writing. I don't necessarily think I have anything of tremendous value to share....it's just therapeutic to put my thoughts down and share with anyone that actually wants to read. Like my personal reading, I've struggled with maintaining a regular schedule when school is in session. I think I was trying to publish too regularly.  So I've changed my approach and am hoping for good things.  I intend to publish posts on Reading for Me and Just Have to Start Somewhere when needed....no regular schedule there.  This blog is the oldest of them all and the one that I think I owe the most writing to.....so I hope to write here 2 or 3 times each week.  I'm shooting for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  My professional blog is Collaborations and was dormant for much of 2012.  My goal is to have a new post on Thursday of each week.  You can be part of my success in this endeavor; your comments on the blog site reminds me that other people are reading them which motivates me to carry on.
4. Schedule times of rest.  Most workers look forward to the weekend.  It's a couple of days to rest and revive their energy for the challenges that lie in the week ahead.  Since I'm piecing together several part-time jobs to make a living, my schedule rarely works out where I have entire days without any work.  I'm sensing the beginnings of burn-out and fatigue in my personal life and feel directed by God to correct the constant work-mode that I have maintained in the past year. Since taking a "Sabbath" day is not possible at this time, my goal is to allow myself to divide the "Sabbath" up throughout the week, finding chunks of time during the week that I can block out for rest and relaxation.  Since school hasn't started, finding these days of rest has been easy so far.  (I'm actually enjoying one today!)  Once the semester kicks off next year, I'll be looking for 8 hours (at least) each week to devote to me.  Given my mindset and work ethic, I know this will be a challenge for me.  I am committed to making it a priority, however.
5. Spiritual growth.  This will be the resolution that I will keep most private for obvious reasons. I am not satisfied with my spiritual condition and I don't think that any growing Christian should ever be satisfied! As such, there are several things that God has placed on my heart to develop me into the man He has designed me to be. I'll be pursuing these quietly behind the scenes and I pray that they will display themselves in my life so others can see the light and love of my Savior.  I would appreciate your prayers throughout the year as I pursue a more intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father in the coming year.

That is what's motivating me as I step into the early days of 2013.  Now it's time to get going and see how I can make these resolutions reality!