The Tragedy of Unfinished Projects

I despise tasks that linger much longer than they should. While the task is large, it is not insurmountable. Why does the project remain unfinished? Often, the job was begun without adequate planning and preparation. Rather than investing the time to adequately prepare, we dive into the middle of the task on a whim. When the magnitude of the task is realized, our motivation and energy for the project is the victim. Because we didn't plan ahead, the inevitable obstacle arises and we have no idea how to continue to be productive.

The project stagnantly sits as a daily reminder. It's a reminder of our failure. We are reminded of the frustration that led us to jump into the project head first. We begin to consider the other areas of our life that leave us unsatisfied because we are not happy with the situation. Still, the unfinished project remains and continues to taunt us.

Why can't we find the motivation to finish the task? Over time, we begin to feel powerless against the job because we have convinced ourselves that the project is too large. We can find ourselves feeling helpless because the project was begun by someone else. If we make a move toward completing "their" task, we fear that we will send messages about their inadequacies and complacency. At our core, we feel guilty that we are disturbed by the messiness of our lives.....and so we determine that we have no right to alleviate the mess and finish the project. Instead, we continue to live in a perpetual state of frustration.

What do we do? First, we need to determine if the project that has gone unfinished is worth completing. It's perfectly fine to decide that a project that you began is no longer important to you. When you let the project go, you also let go of the guilt that is associated with the fact that it hasn't been finished. Once you know you want to finish the task, begin by making a plan. The plan should include manageable steps that will keep the overwhelming feelings at bay. Determine an ending date for the task, and work backwards from that date. This helps you decide what pieces of the puzzle need to be completed when. Now that you have a plan, get to work....and give yourself permission to revise the overall plan as needed. After all, now that you have developed a plan of action, you are the author and have taken ownership of the project. Recognize when frustration and guilt arrive and proactively decide what needs to be done. It may be a slow process, but the reward comes when the long avoided task becomes a successful accomplishment.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable. It is going to find its way into every life and every relationship. While it is painful to go through, we can sometimes find comfort in the knowledge that conflict -- when handled appropriately -- can result in a stronger relationship. How do we attempt to resolve conflict?

I've experienced conflict in my life and have learned the truth of the adage that "hurt people hurt people." What I have also learned is that the pain these hurt people have inflicted is sometimes completely unintentional. That's the first thing to do when facing conflict -- determine if the offending action was intentional or not. If it was not an intentional act, chalk it up to a mistake and a learning experience. It is still important to tell the other party in the relationship what they did that caused pain, but go into this conversation with a spirit of forgiveness. I recognize that you were not aware of how your action would impact me, so I'm not holding it against you.

If the action was intentional, the conversation between the two parties is still necessary. This discussion will be more difficult because we have to accept the fact that an apology may never come. It never feels good to tell someone how they have hurt you and have them respond with a "who cares" attitude.

While preparing to have a non-combative conversation is important, I have found that my response after the conversation needs greater attention in order to bring closure. The first thing to do after you have addressed an intentionally offensive act is to pray about it. Pray that healing will come to you. Pray for restoration with the other person. Pray that you will learn more about forgiveness in this process. It is also important to simply let it go. The hurt has occurred and you are unable to change it. Since you can't change it, there's no need to dwell on it. If you continually bring up the conflict, you are allowing the actions of an uncaring person to negatively impact your life.

Now it's time to determine your next step....regardless of what the other person does. I highly recommend seeking out some form of counseling to deal with the issue. Trained professionals are wonderful options, but you might also consider speaking with a minister, mentor, family member, or trusted friend. Ideally, you need to speak with a neutral party who can objectively listen, sympathize with your pain, and offer wise counsel.

It is also necessary to remove the negativity from your life. Once the conflict has happened, you cannot maintain your emotional health while attempting to interact with the offender. Sometimes you can simply avoid the person. If this is not possible -- because you work together or are both members of an organization -- you may have to take additional steps to remove the pain from your life. It seems extreme to suggest that you leave a job or some activity that you enjoy because of another person, but I can attest to the fact that it is a small sacrifice to pay to ensure your personal mental and spiritual health.

While dealing with the conflict, it is important that you don't bottle up your feelings. You have to have an outlet to let the pain out. If anyone suggests you push down your emotions or that you strive to "be the bigger person" in the situation, that is not someone who is offering you good advice. Humans have emotions that must be expressed in order to remain healthy. On the flip side, you cannot gossip about the other person either. If you begin to tear down another with your words, you are contributing to the conflict that is creating destruction in your world. Lastly, you must not allow yourself to play the role of the victim. You are not helpless in this conflict. You have options that will empower you and allow you to regain control over your personal life.

Conflict is tough. Unresolved conflict is tougher. Resolution can come in the form of restoration as well as in the dissolution of a relationship. Ultimately, the decision lies in your court. Do what's best for you and move on down the road to happiness.

Life Long Learning

I love school! I always have. There's such a rush in being exposed to new ideas and having the freedom to explore within the safe confines of the classroom. I suppose this explains why so many years of my life were spent as a career student . . .and the fact that foreign languages have always been my Achilles heel!

I suppose it was only natural for me to find my way to a career in education as well. Despite my complaints about the early mornings and unmotivated students, I thrive when standing before a class. I've had the pleasure of serving students in academic advising settings as well. I enjoy watching students clear hurdle after hurdle on their way to graduation.

As fulfilling as teaching is, I continue to be a lifelong learner. I long for the chance to dive back into the classroom and grapple with unfamiliar material. I adore those moments when the lecture connects unexpectedly to something I already know.

As tempting as it is, there's no time to pursue another degree. I certainly can't commit to attending a traditional class. But I can submerge myself into a couple of MOOCs for the next few weeks.

What's a MOOC? It's an exciting and inexpensive way to take classes conveniently online. Massive Open Online Classes (or MOOCs) can be found in many disciplines through multiple colleges around the world. A few years ago, I dabbled in hermeneutics via a MOOC from Southwestern Baptist Seminary. It was very interesting, but a little too focused on preaching for what I was looking for.

MOOCs tend to be shorter classes. Most last six to eight weeks. The material is presented through video lectures as well as reading assignments. While there may be quizzes or writing assignments, how much or little you actually complete is entirely up to you. With some effort, it is highly likely that you will "pass" the course; in most cases, a simple certificate of completion is sent for your personal records. It's not college credit (although credit is sometimes available if you're willing to pay a fee), but it is recognition of the stuff you've encountered in the course.

Before you think MOOCs are too stuffy, let me tell you about my summer classes. I am learning about the French Revolution, an eight week course offered by the University of Melbourne, while exploring the Music of the Beatles with the music faculty at the University of Rochester. I'm learning a lot and having fun doing it in this low stress situation.

MOOCs can easily be found through websites such as Coursera and EdX. If you still don't find what

you're looking for, do a google search . . .I'm sure you'll find something that interests you!

So what do you have to lose? Awaken your mind, expand your horizons, and once again discover the satisfaction that comes from being a lifelong learner.

Avoided Tasks

We all face them everyday. Tasks that we know that we should complete. Things that will benefit us personally. They come in many forms.....repairs around the house, a healthier diet and exercise regiment, a consistent devotional life, professional development classes......but they all fall by the wayside because of the same obstacle. Life gets in the way.

I don't have time for that.

I'll do it later.

There are other urgent issues that need immediate attention.

We are so busy that we ignore the benefits that would come by doing what we know we should. Occasionally we finally decide to begin work on one of our tasks, but we find ourselves defeated before we even begin. The job is too big for us. The commitment required is too great. What do we do?

I'm finally taking on a couple of the tasks that I've been avoiding in my life for a while. Here's what I'm learning along the way that I hope will be helpful to you as you pursue your own avoided tasks.

• Regularity is essential. I've got to consistently chop away at the task at hand in order to make progress. The easiest way I've found to insure regularity is to make it part of my schedule. The task is included on my daily to-do list and time is set aside. I make every effort to guard that time against interruption and accomplish the job. For me, the earlier in my day, the better. 
• Perfection is not possible. Even though it's scheduled, there are days where I'm not going to make progress. That's okay! The key is to forgive yourself for your "failure", brush yourself off, and get back to it the following day.
• Rome wasn't built in a day. Most of these avoided tasks are not going to be accomplished quickly. Realize it, accept it, and persevere. I've broken the task down into manageable chunks. That keeps me focused on the task immediately at hand and helps me avoid the inevitable sense of being overwhelmed.
• Celebrate success! Whenever I hit a milestone in my task, it's time to celebrate. Organized a closet that's been neglected far too long? Reward yourself. Lost your first 10 pounds? PARTY! Celebration reminds us of what we have accomplished and assures us that we can continue on the journey.
• Don't overload yourself. This was the hardest lesson for me to learn. I can't modify my environment, behavior, and career all at the same time. If I try to do that, I'm setting myself up for failure. (Trust me, I know this from personal experience.) Step back, look at the situation, and prayerfully ask for direction of what needs attention first. Begin working in that area. As you get a handle there and begin to establish a habit in your routine, then you're ready to add another task.

Whatever it is that you've been avoiding, knock out the voices that are telling you it's too difficult. Make a plan and get to work. After all, if you start and don't find success you've learned what doesn't work. Dust yourself off, examine the situation again, and make another attempt. If it's worth it to you, you will find success and finally achieve the thing you've been avoiding so long!

The Lesson of Pain

I've been going to the gym again for almost 3 weeks now. I go because I know my body needs exercise. I like the feeling to taking deep, purifying breaths. I don't mind getting sweaty and smelly. I've learned to not worry about what other people are doing or what they think about what I'm doing. I don't mind the feeling of sore muscles in the morning since those are reminders that I'm accomplishing something. What I absolutely HATE is pain....and more often than not, this is what keeps me away from the gym.

I tend to have a very low pain tolerance. As soon as something begins to hurt, I'm going to stop doing whatever is causing the pain. Thankfully I'm fairly certain that I've learned the difference between discomfort and pain. Discomfort is inconvenient and not a great feeling, but it's something that I can push through and know that I'm not damaging my body. Pain is the body's signal that something is potentially wrong and needs attention.

As I write today, I'm sitting here with knees that are making walking difficult and problems with my lower back. Every day in the gym leads to some level of discomfort in these parts of my body. Today I made it to the gym on my off day and started working out when the pain hit in my left knee. I tried to push through it until I clearly understood my body's message.....STOP DOING THAT TODAY OR ELSE!

Pain comes to us emotionally and spiritually as well. While the physical expression of pain is hard to ignore, sometimes we push down agonizing pain that lies deep inside our spirit. I have learned over the past few months that we can use some of the same tactics we use for our body's pains to heal the hurts in our emotions and spirit.

• Acknowledge and assess the pain. One of the first things we have to do is admit that we're hurting. Too often we fall for the lie that the strong ignore their pain and convince themselves that it will eventually disappear if they don't acknowledge it. Nothing is further from the truth. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, it is essential that we admit when we are suffering and honestly assess its severity. Is this something I can just walk off or do I need to allow myself to experience intense healing?
• Determine the cause of the pain. Recently while on the treadmill I began to experience pain in my left leg. Rather than stopping immediately, I tried to identify where the pain was and what was causing the problem. This was the first step in adjusting my form and finding relief. The same is true of our emotional pain. Once we acknowledge our pain, it is important that we attempt to figure out where the pain is coming from. This allows us to modify behavior and responses in order to stop the pain from increasing.
• Ask for input. I couldn't determine what the problem was on the treadmill, so I asked my trainer if he saw anything awkward in my work. This required me openly admitting to another person where I was hurting and allowing them to provide constructive criticism in order to alleviate the hurt. Sometimes it may be helpful to share our emotional and spiritual pain with a trusted friend and ask them to observe you and see if they notice anything you are doing to bring the pain into your life. Objective observers can often see things that we are not aware of.
• Remove the source of pain. My knee problems were associated with speed on the treadmill. Similar speeds on the elliptical and inclines on the treadmill at slower tempo did not cause pain and still accomplished raising my heart rate. Rather than allowing myself to continue experiencing pain, we eliminated the part of the routine that was causing the problem. Emotionally, we may identify that our pain source is a specific activity, relationship, or past memory. When possible, separating ourselves from the pain inducer is the first step to recovery.
• Rest! Pain doesn't totally go away until the problem has been healed. Do I really think that I could resume my work on the treadmill the next day without any pain? Absolutely not! My body needed time to recover. We understand that rest and recovery is essential to our physical body. We are often negligent when it comes to allowing our emotions and spirit to rest as well after we've been hurt. Foolishly, we often jump right back into the same circumstances much too soon when we've been hurt. The result to our spirit is similar to what would happen to our body. We re-injure ourselves, the damage and pain is more severe, and the required recovery time is much more extensive. 

I've gone through the first four steps of dealing with emotional pain this year; I'm still taking my time through the resting stage. I'm not going to rush it and I'm not going to get comfortable in it either. I'm looking forward to the day that my spirit and emotions are fully restored so I can once again dive in without fear of being hurt and suffering from debilitating emotional pain.

Getting the Rest You Need

We all know that rest is important, but we sometimes find it difficult to insure that it happens in our personal life. I'm still learning how to make Sabbath rest a part of my routine, but here are some things that are proving helpful at the moment. Take these suggestions for what their worth....

• Schedule, Schedule, Schedule. The more carefully I plan what needs to happen each day, the less time I waste. The less time I waste, the more I accomplish. The more I accomplish, the easier it becomes to have a day devoted to rest each week

• Write it down. I have always prided myself on having a wonderful memory and rarely having to write things down. What I'm discovering is that the physical process of writing things down purges them from my mind and provides the comfort that important things will not be forgotten. My mind can slow down...and that brings rest to my body.

• Establish a Sleep Routine. Knowing that I'm rising at the same time each morning and going to bed consistently each night puts my body into a routine. It also allows for consistently knowing when my most productive periods of the day will occur. That is a positive in so many ways!

• Exercise. Have I completely fallen off of my rocker? Does the physical exertion of exercise seriously help us to get rest? Definitely! By regularly participating in some physical activity, the body relieves stress naturally and is ready to rest fully each night. Taking care of the body helps to take care of the mind as well.

• Feed your Soul. I cannot emphasize this aspect enough. It is absolutely imperative that you set aside time each day to care for your inner man. Include it in your schedule just as you would any other appointment and protect it at all costs! You decide what activity is most beneficial for you -- study, prayer, worship, meditation -- and make sure that you do AT LEAST that one thing each day. As we allow our souls to connect with the Creator daily, we will find that we are refreshed and able to be productive because of His blessing.

• Relax. You know when your body has reached its limit. In those moments, give yourself permission to relax. Your optimal work time may not fit with everyone else. That's okay! While you still have to function, as long as you are having productive periods throughout the day, you'll get it done. 

• Reward Yourself. I plan personal activities that I enjoy at the end of each day. When I have completed the tasks on my list, I get to enjoy something special. This allows me to look forward to finishing the day's responsibilities and gives me an extra push of energy. Additionally, set aside time for larger rewards after a particularly busy season. This might include a mini-vacation or a "stay-cation."

When I include these steps in my routine, I find that I can get most of my duties done in six days and truly enjoy a seventh day of rest each week. It's what God has ordained for our bodies and provides the needed energy to tackle the challenges that the following week will bring.

On Friday, I'll share with you a little about my most recent "stay-cation." It's actually much easier than you might think and worth the effort.

What tips would you add to my list to help get everything done in order to have a day devoted to rest and rejuvenation?

Practicing What You Have Learned

Now that you have achieved your goal and acquired a new skill through careful practice, it is important to keep practicing! Today, we will look at the maintenance of skills through practicing in the final post of this series.

Use it or lose it! Even though you have acquired the new skill, regular maintenance practice is necessary. A skill developed will quickly decline in its ease of access if we fail to use it often. I spent the last three months away from the gym after working out on a fairly regularly basis for nearly nine months. Now that I have returned to the gym, I'm recovering lost ground. Since I wasn't consistently exercising my muscles, they are not at my disposal automatically in some of the ways that I had trained them to be. Fortunately, recovering a mastered task is not nearly as difficult as it was the first time around.

Fight complacency! Once we have achieved a new skill, it is easy to be satisfied and settle into an easy rhythm. I encourage you to continue striving for new levels of mastery. The more command we have over the skill, the more beneficial it is to us and the more easily we can call it up when needed. Whether or not you decide to further your skills in this area, recognize the value that has been added to your life and continue practicing -- furthering your current skill or pursuing a new dream. Never stop growing!

Perfection or Excellence? There is a huge difference between perfection and excellence. Perfection is an impossibility in our human condition; excellence can be achieved in every endeavor. Pursuing excellence encourages us to do the best job we can with our abilities. When our focus shifts to the pursuit of perfection, we begin to focus exclusively on what we cannot do. This negative focus can often lead to self-esteem issues, discouragement, and feelings of failure. Do the best you can in everything and reap the rewards of your efforts.

Celebrate success! Celebrations may be personal and private or they may be enormous parties with guests! Either option is valid; the important thing is that you honor yourself for your achievement. You worked hard through disciplined practice to achieve your goal. Celebrating encourages our spirits to pursue new things and achieve new heights.

Making Practice a Success

As we explored on Monday, practicing can be used by everyone to obtain skills that ultimately become second nature. Today, I'll draw from my experience practicing piano to give you some tips to help your own practice lead to success.

Goal setting is crucial! If the destination is not clearly defined, we'll never know that we've reached it. Avoid being too general though. If I am learning a new piece at the piano, it's not enough to say I want to learn to play the song; instead, I have to specify that I want to play the piece accurately with a tempo of no less than 172 beats per minute. If I don't play the notes accurately, I am not playing the song. At the same time, I can't play the song at whatever speed I choose. There needs to be a standard of expectation.

Similarly, I can't simply state that I want to be more patient without providing a measurement that qualifies as reaching my goal. Perhaps I am going to exhibit patience by not tapping my fingers on my desk in irritation for 5 consecutive days. The point is that you must identify what you are trying to modify or develop through your practicing.

Include short term goals along the way. Once you identify your ultimate goal, it is helpful to break it up into smaller steps. In the example of learning a new piece of music, one goal may be to correctly play all of the notes at a slow steady tempo. Then I may begin to increase the metronome speed gradually. These short term goals allow me to see progress in my journey without the frustration that I may never achieve the ultimate goal. We all need small victories to celebrate along the way to give us the encouragement to persevere.

Map your journey's path. In order to know where we are and where we're going, sometimes it is important to take note of where we've been. This is where a practice log can be helpful. A practice log is simply a diary devoted to your pursuit of your goal. If you are training for a 5K, it may simply be a record of the date, distance, and time for your run. There is obvious value in this method to help you see your progress, but I strongly encourage you to include brief notes about the run as well.

Notes in your practice log give signs of improvement when numbers seem to be stagnant. If you're running at approximately the same speed for several weeks, it might become discouraging. Notes may tell that you were feeling under the weather or that the conditions were challenging. Not only do notes present explanations, often they provide insight into new short term goals that need to be achieved on the way to your ultimate goal. When patterns begin to reveal themselves in the log, we may realize there is an obstacle inhibiting our progress that must be addressed.

You will make mistakes! Accept it from the beginning. There will be days you don't practice. Other days will see an unintentional error in your efforts to reach the goal. Don't get frustrated. Making mistakes is an important part of the learning process. The trick is making sure that errors don't go undiagnosed, which brings us to our final point of the day.

Don't underestimate the importance of evaluation. Whatever you are attempting to add to your skill set, you simply must have self-evaluation as well as the evaluation of a trusted person who has more skill in the discipline than you do. Assume that I am learning to make chocolate pie. While I can identify errors in measurements, some of the subtleties of technique also need to be addressed. I can't determine if I'm doing things correctly because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THEM AT ALL! I have to allow someone with authority to critique my efforts.

Evaluation is uncomfortable. We present our best effort and listen to an explanation of what we did wrong. We have to publicly admit that we are fallible and ignorant of the topic at hand. Because this is such an awkward situation for many adults, it is crucial that you feel empowered to select the mentor/teacher who is the best fit for you. Make sure to find a trusted individual who feels like a friend. The best mentor will easily identify your mistake and then patiently explain (and hopefully demonstrate) how to correct the problem. Ask for suggestions of things to do to overcome the obstacle and ask if you can check back in with them in a few weeks.

On Friday, I'll look at maintaining your skills once you have achieved them as we learn together how important it is to continue practicing what you have already learned.

Practice Makes Perfect

I have been practicing for 36 years. As a pianist, most days find me spending quality time at my instrument perfecting my craft and learning more about music, myself, and life. Sadly, I think that the concept of "practicing" has been stolen from the general population by the performing arts and sports teams. Each individual daily practices something -- whether intentionally or not.

The Oxford dictionary defines the verb practice as "performing an activity or exercise (a skill) repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one's proficiency." (oxforddictionaries.com) In other words, a person chooses to practice something in which they hope to achieve improved abilities. By separating the concept of practicing from music, theater, and sports, the potential power of practice becomes apparent.

• Do you want to be more patient? Practice patience!
• Do you want to learn to knit? Practice knitting!
• Have you wished you were a better writer? Practice writing!
• Want to improve your skills in the kitchen? Pull out a recipe and practice cooking!

Practicing can be applied to any area of life. The goal of practice is to gain new skills to a desired level of mastery in such a way that the new activity becomes a naturally occurring habit in the way you do things. Since we can all benefit from practicing, this week's blog posts will be devoted to the topic. 

Every journey begins with a single step. When you decide exactly what it is that you are pursuing and choosing to practice, the first step is often the most difficult. We're not certain how to achieve our target, so we put off practicing until we know how things are supposed to work. We aren't certain we can acquire the new skill, so we decide to do nothing rather than risk failure. Here's the good news..... YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT BEFORE STARTING TO PRACTICE! Part of the value of practicing is pointing out areas that need attention as you move forward in your journey to mastering this new skill. Simply get started the best way that you know how!

K.I.S.S. For the uninitiated, K.I.S.S. is an acronym meaning "Keep it simple, Stupid." We've all heard it said that "Rome wasn't built in a day" and our goal will not be achieved overnight. So whatever you are practicing, remember to begin simply. Someone practicing cooking will be better served boiling water or scrambling eggs instead of cooking a seven-course gourmet meal! If you are hoping to become a voracious reader, it's probably not wise to pick up Gone with the Wind or The Brothers Karamazov as your first novel. In the earliest stages of practicing, it is important to set yourself up for regular success as you build the habit of devoting some time daily to the art of practicing.

Additionally, it is important that we avoid the temptation to begin practicing multiple things at the same time. I want to be more patient, read a novel a week, write an intriguing daily blog, and learn to speak Italian. I have the ability to do all of these things, but I need to prioritize. If I begin practicing each of these things immediately, my focus is stretched so thin that I will accomplish very little in any of the processes.....and will have little time to manage the regular parts of my life. I need to determine what is truly my passion and what is simply a fleeting obsession. If you're not sure whether it's a passion or temporary fancy, I recommend putting it on the back burner for a while; those things that are important to us will continue to burn deep within despite our lack of immediate attention.

Intentionally schedule your practice time. How much time do I need to devote to practicing? Honestly, it depends upon your age and your current ability in relation to the skill you are developing. I ask my beginning piano students to try to play at least 10 minutes each day. An adult who is trying to develop the habit of daily reading sessions might begin with 15 minutes of reading for 5 days of the week. 

Once you establish how much time you will be investing, determine how you will add it to your daily routine. One of my colleagues meticulously schedules her day and includes practice time, then protects that time from interruption. On the other hand, I work better with a to-do list. Practice activities are listed along with the day's other responsibilities and I complete the tasks when I'm in the best frame of mind to handle each one. The to-do list works for me since it allows me to experiment and find what times of my day are best suited for which activities. 

Once you schedule your practice time and its duration, give yourself permission to modify the plan as needed. It is more important that you DO the thing you are practicing than avoiding it because you don't have the amount of time allotted. Practice should not be a chore every day; if it feels that way, you may be attempting to devote too much time to the task for your current skill level. Evaluate and adjust as needed. Regular repetition is what we're after. As with other things, quality of practice supersedes quantity of time spent practicing.

On Wednesday, we'll explore some tips that have proven effective in my own practice and explain how you can adapt them to any activity that you are seeking improvement in. For now, determine what it is that you want to practice in your life and take the first step. Then repeat it again tomorrow and the day after. Before you know it, you'll be on your way to having the ability that you desperately want to add to your life!