I Should Buy Stock.....

....in the Kimberly-Clark Corporation because of the sheer amount of Kleenex tissues I've gone through in the past few days. This is ridiculous -- and actually rather disgusting.

The School of Music has been plagued with various respiratory infections for the past few weeks. Some have been sick for several weeks. So when I felt the beginnings of illness, I headed to the doctor on Monday afternoon in hopes to nip it in the bud. The doctor confirmed that I had an early case of a respiratory infection and gave me a massive shot to knock it out as quickly as possible. He told me I should be feeling better soon, but to call if I wasn't better by Friday.

As the week went on, I felt much better. The sore throat was minimal and I was regaining some of my energy. But the congestion remained. This has been a source of frustration for me since January. I just have not been able to shake the stuffiness and have struggled to manage the excessive amounts of phlegm my body has produced.

On Thursday, I grabbed lunch and headed home for an hour of relaxation. That's when it happened. Something flipped and my nose became a faucet. I can't keep enough tissues handy to deal with the sneezing and blowing. (Does that qualify as TMI? I'm past the point of really knowing.) The good news is that all of this activity is actually making me feel better. Pressure is finally being relieved. I just have to figure out if this is a "normal" progression in the recovery or if it is the beginning of a set back. I anticipate making a call to the nurse this morning to get her professional opinion.

In the meantime, I'll keep my tissues handy and thank my lucky stars that next week is Spring Break....just in time to recover from this mess that has played havoc on me for the last five days.

ACHOO!

The Evasiveness of Happiness

Have you ever felt like happiness was nowhere to be found? No matter what you try, you simply can't find satisfaction. When happiness seems elusive, here are a few things to consider. One of them may just be the root of your problem.

• You tend to focus on the negative. Some of us are wired to be pessimists. We naturally see the half-empty glass. It takes time, but it is possible to consciously shift your focus. Begin by determining to set aside moments in each day to reflect on the good things that have happened. There may be times that the only thing you can say is "I'm still breathing." That's fine.....find the joy in that. As you practice seeking out the positive in life, it will become easier to find and more natural to you.
• Loneliness. I know from personal experience that it is completely possible to be surrounded by people and still feel as though you are completely alone. This may be due to your perception that everyone has let you down or that you are unlovable. Perhaps you struggle trusting others enough to establish a meaningful relationship. Seek out opportunities to spend time with other people in non-threatening situations. Have dinner with a small group. Get involved in a club. Make conversation with the person running on the next treadmill or sitting in the next cubicle. No matter how short the interaction, push yourself to go outside of your comfort zone on a regular basis. Socializing becomes easier with time -- even for the shy ones like me!
• You are not actively pursuing your life's purpose or passion. It's not a great mystery what your passion is. What is that thing that really makes you feel that something should be done? Maybe you have a heart for kids.....or animals.....or single mothers......or feeding the poor.....or cleaning littered streets. It doesn't have to be earth-shattering to anyone else; if the cause is important to you, it's important! Now find a way to make a difference. You might volunteer with an organization on a regular basis. Your schedule won't allow a regular commitment? Fine! There are lots of one-time events that you can be involved in that will make a difference. As you begin to give of your time and abilities, you will begin to feel that you are not simply taking up space in the universe. You are a contributing member that is making a difference....and that sense of purpose will ultimately lead to joy.
• You may be facing health issues. Depression is a very real illness that plagues millions of people. It can have an impact upon your physical health. It can effect your work performance. It can cause distress in family relationships and friendships. Because it is an illness, there is no shame in seeking professional help from a qualified professional. Think about it. If a physician told you that you had a life-threatening illness like cancer that could be treated, wouldn't you get the help so you could go on with your life? Depression is just as debilitating as cancer....and just as treatable! (Trust me, I know, because I'm one who has been treated and has learned how to manage the condition.)
• Maybe you are just stuck in a rut. When life seems to be monotonous, happiness can be zapped. So change things up a little. Try something new. Stop by the park on the way home for a quick hike. Plan to take in a play or concert. Grab a picnic basket, blanket, and book to head out for a personal retreat. Treat yourself to a spa day. Give yourself permission to take care of you and let everything else be put on hold temporarily. It may be just what the doctor ordered!

We are not designed to live life for long seasons without experiencing happiness. Joy is ultimately the source of our strength! (See Nehemiah 8:10.)

If you are struggling with finding happiness, I highly recommend the book Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D. It was an important tool in my own journey as I learned to deal with depression and unhappiness.

A Summer of Doctor's Appointments

Summer is always a great time to fit in doctor's visits for the Geriatric Patients because my work schedule is less hectic. This summer, my focus was entirely on Dad. When he made the initial appointment to have his hearing evaluated after having avoided family encouragement to do so for nearly 5 years, I jumped while I had the chance. Little did we know then that this single visit would result in triple bypass surgery -- a surgery which quite possibly saved his life.

How in the world did we go from hearing issues to heart surgery? That's a lengthy story. Let me take you blow by blow through the past several months. (For all of you health professionals reading this, I am not claiming to be completely accurate in my statements; these are a layman's recollection of our experiences this summer.)

June 10, 2014 - Dad has his first appointment with Dr. Long at ENT Midsouth. We were referred to Dr. Long due to an extremely narrow ear canal that made it impossible to achieve a proper seal during his initial hearing evaluation. After a thorough evaluation, Dr. Long scheduled an auditory scan and referred us to Methodist Sleep Center for a re-evaluation of Dad's CPAP.

June 23, 2014 - Dad returns to ENT Midsouth for the auditory scan. Hearing loss is classified as moderately severe. Before fitting for hearing aids, Dr. Long wants to have an MRI completed to rule out any sort of tumor that might be causing his hearing loss.

June 30, 2014 - Our visit with Methodist Sleep Center is quite possibly the most important doctor's visit of the summer. While speaking with the doctor, Dad reveals that he has experienced mild chest pains and some shortness of breath after carrying groceries into the kitchen from the car. (This was the first that I had ever heard of these complaints.) Dad estimates that this condition has existed for nearly 2 years. As the doctor listens to Dad's chest, he notices what seems to be a heart murmur. Dad is referred to a cardiologist and is to have an echo cardiogram performed; the test is scheduled for late July.

July 10, 2014 - MRI ordered by Dr. Long is completed. Test returns with normal results. We will proceed with fitting of hearing aids.

July 31, 2014 - Echo cardiogram at Methodist University Hospital. Results suggest no problems with heart.

August 4, 2014 - Dad and I meet with Dr. Aven of Memphis Hearing Aid for initial consult. Devices are selected and ordered.

August 8, 2014 - Initial appointment with Dr. Kraus of Stern Cardiovascular Clinic. Dr. Kraus identifies the heart murmur, but isn't concerned by it. Nothing in the exam suggests a problem, but the complaints are not to be ignored. A calcium score and stress test are scheduled and prescription for nitroglycerine is given.

August 11, 2014 - Return visit to Memphis Hearing Aid to pick up devices and have them calibrated for Dad's initial use. We are to return at the end of August for follow up and fine tuning of the hearing aids. (As you will see, this return visit is still pending Dad's recovery.)

August 18, 2014 - Calcium score and stress test at Stern Cardiovascular. Dad completes 3:00 of slow walking on the treadmill before the test is stopped. The phone call I received that afternoon was what I most feared. Dad had completely failed the stress test, the EKG was off the charts, and there was significant lack of oxygen to the heart. A heart cath was scheduled for the following week. We were told to arrive at the hospital prepared to be admitted if the issue could not be resolved by the heart cath alone.

August 21, 2014 - I receive a frantic call from Mom that Dad had to be rushed to Stern Cardiovascular to have some blood work done to ensure that his liver and kidneys were healthy enough to undergo the procedure. If the labs were not completed on that day, the cath would be rescheduled.

August 26, 2014 - Heart cath at Baptist East. Dr. Kraus informs us that stints could not be placed to correct the heart issues. Four significant blockages existed and bypass surgery was necessary as soon as possible. Dad was admitted to the hospital immediately and began the process of allowing his blood to thicken so surgery could be performed.

August 28, 2014 - Dad undergoes triple bypass surgery that afternoon. Surgery goes smoothly from all reports.

Dad spent four days in cardiac ICU before transitioning to a step down unit. While recovering, Dad experienced a post-operative GI blockage, AFIB, and blood clots which lengthened his hospital stay. Mom was by his side during his entire stay with the exception of two nights that we convinced her to leave in order to get some rest until he was finally discharged.

September 19, 2014 - Dad is discharged from the hospital and returned home.

So the journey that Dad and I began in June is finally winding down some 15 weeks after it all began with a simple trip to the ENT for hearing aids! Neither of us expected it to take this turn in a million years. Even though we're both tired from running to see all of these doctor's, I don't think either of us regret any of it. Not only has it brought Dad the opportunity to enjoy many more years of healthy life, it also created a bond between the two of us that no one else shares. We've been through it together this summer.....and I'm thrilled to know that we will have many more years to continue making memories together!

Hearing Restored

On Monday, August 11, 2014, I witnessed a miracle of modern science. On that day, I was in the doctor's office when my dad received his hearing aids. While these devices are common appliances for millions of senior citizens, my dad had resisted getting them for nearly a decade. We were all surprised earlier this summer when Dad initiated the process of having his hearing evaluated.

As the doctor introduced Dad to the devices, his apprehension was evident. Despite his severe hearing loss, he could hear the feedback that was loudly coming from the aids. In that moment, I thought he was going to walk out! I took a chance and reminded him that the hearing aids had not been calibrated yet and that we wouldn't leave the office until the levels were set in a way that he was comfortable with. He still wasn't completely sold, but he took a deep breath and settled in for the experience.

After having Dad install the batteries, the doctor inserted the first device in his ear and then ran her pinkie along the edge of his ear to indicate the wire's placement. Shivers went down Dad's spine because he utterly hates to have his ears touched. The second aid went in much more quickly and now it was time to introduce amplified sounds.

When the first beep sounded in his right ear, Dad jumped from the shock and told us he definitely heard it -- LOUD and clear. As we continued to explore sounds -- hands rubbing fabric, rustling paper, a faucet's running water -- Dad was adamant that things were simply too loud! After several adjustments, he and the doctor reached a point where it was time to try out speech.

As Dad looked out the window, I was instructed to say something. Of course, sarcasm was my first thought, so I quietly said, "I suppose this is the end of talking behind his back." I noticed a smirk come on Dad's face as he responded in the affirmative because he could hear me now! In that moment, I witnessed a vitality and zest for life in Pop that I haven't seen in many years. While the process to get us to this point had been very long and painful over the years, the end result was definitely worth the effort.

The rest of the session was simply fun as the doctor continued to explain basic aspects of the devices. It was clear that Dad was understanding every word. As we left the office, I couldn't help but laugh as Dad responded to the beeps of alarm systems and the slams of doors. On the way to the car, Dad shared that the hearing aids were nothing like he expected. They were causing him no discomfort. I then asked if he had ever realized how truly deaf he was; his response was a very gentle "no."

As we returned home, the adventure continued. Dad looked over to see that I was pecking a dollar bill against the window while waiting for our drive-through food. He commented on hearing the clicks of my turn signal while traveling on the interstate. In a tender moment, I saw a glimmer in Dad's eye after his first phone conversation with Mom. He said he just wanted to make sure that he could hear her clearly since her voice had been fading on the telephone in recent months.

The process is not entirely over yet. We return to the doctor at the end of the month for a final adjustment to make sure everything is just right. I'm not worried about that at all though. Now that he has regained his hearing, I'm fairly confident that Dad will take the lead in ensuring that he never loses it again!

The Headache of Healthcare

Summer is the time for doctor's visits in the Geriatric ward. Since the demands on my time are greatly reduced, it's easier to get everyone where they need to be. This year's patient is Pop. While I've been frustrated over the years that he hasn't done a better job of taking care of himself, after dealing with the healthcare headache for the past few weeks, I'm beginning to understand why.

My first complaint is the redundant paperwork that appears. Thankfully, the forms are now available online so a patient can complete them in advance. What gets me is that all the forms ask for the same information! I understand that every doctor must have access to this vital information. What I can't believe is that our technologically advanced society has not figured out a way to easily make each doctor's notes on a patient readily available universally. I would much prefer my doctor to see a complete medical history provided through official channels rather than depending on my faulty memory for vital facts.

Medicare and health insurance are a mess. On a recent visit regarding his sleep apnea, Dad was instructed to get new supplies for his CPAP. While checking out, we were asked if he would prefer a prescription to get the supplies from a vendor closer to home or from the on-site service. Since Dad likes to maintain some independence, he opted to take the prescription back across the bridge.

On the drive home, we decided to drop off the supply request. Imagine our surprise when our local vendor informed us that Medicare no longer permitted them to service Dad since he resided in the same county as the vendor. I thought I had misunderstood, so I asked for clarification. If we had lived across the county line, the supplier could serve our needs. Does this make sense to anyone? It certainly doesn't to me, but it truly illustrates the insanity of our nation's current healthcare system!

By this time, I know Pop is frustrated and embarrassed, so I keep my cool and tell him I'll figure it out for him. My phone call back to the doctor's office (part of a large hospital service) resulted in multiple transfers and endless voice mails. By this point, I don't have a lot of confidence that anyone will hear my message, much less return my call.

Imagine my relief when I meet two amazing employees of the hospital the following day who go out of their way to help. Since I had driven back into Memphis, they didn't want me to have to travel into the city again with additional information they required. I left the office with one of the women's personal cell number and instructions to send photos via text message of the equipment we need to replace. Within an hour, I receive a call telling me they have gotten all of Dad's info from the office next door and that our equipment will leave the warehouse the next morning. If I didn't want these helpful ladies to stay right where they are since they are such an asset to Memphis and their hospital, I would suggest sending them to D.C. to fix the healthcare nightmare our nation currently faces. One thing is certain -- the idiots in public office now are incapable of cleaning up the mess they created! And our national headache continues.

That's enough ranting for one post. I feel like I need an aspirin now!

Taking Control

Health insurance kicked in at the beginning of the year, so I decided it was time to have a standard physical. I have known for quite some time that I needed to have general blood work done, but I've avoided it. Partially because I didn't want to be out the cash. Partially because I hate needles. Partially because ignorance is bliss.

I survived having my blood drawn. When the lab results came back, my cholesterol showed as high. More disturbing, however, was the elevated activity shown by my liver. The doctor ordered an abdominal ultrasound. Now I'm sitting in the doctor's office to see the results and talk about the future "therapy." (Getting that phone call this morning scared the CRAP out of me. My mind has gone to the worst possible scenerios and I've tried to maintain a positive outlook.)

Knowing that my cholesterol is high, it's time to take control of my diet as well. I have been a picky eater my entire life. It's not that I don't want to eat food that is healthy for my body. The tastes and smells literally make me ill. I feel like a fool because I eat like a 4-year-old, but it's all I'm able to do.....until now. I'm determined to take control of my mind and conquer this.

Yesterday, I went to grocery with the plan of picking up one veggie and one fruit that I don't currently eat. I had already decided that baby carrots would be the place to begin. While in the produce aisle, I held the baby carrots in one hand and saw tiny carrot sticks just a few steps away. People must have thought I was insane as I literally talked myself out of getting the sticks (hey, they would have been smaller)! I went through several other aisles, looking for healthy food options that would be an improvement on my current diet.

When I got home, I knew I had to just dive into the new foods. I made a turkey sandwich accompanied by wheat crackers, 2 tiny carrot sticks, and a POOL of ranch dressing. I had to disguise the carrots by mixing them with larger portions of other foods, but I got them down! What a huge success for me. Then I realized that I'll be fighting the battle again very soon.

Today's adventure has been much less stressful. I began with a bowl of maple and brown sugar oatmeal. It's not my favorite thing, but I can eat it. I missed lunch due to meetings and the doctor's appointment, so I simply had a cup of Greek yogurt -- another new food for me. It is a little more tart than normal yogurt, but I can acquire a taste for it because of its health benefits.
Now I just have to wait for the test results and then head home for my date with 2 more carrots and a pool of ranch dressing!

(PS - Thankful that the only problem revealed by the ultrasound is a fatty liver. After this stressful day of waiting, I couldn't manage carrots for dinner. I'll get back on that tomorrow though.)

Posted with Blogsy

Returning to the Routine

After a rough few weeks, I think I'm finally getting back to a normal routine. I continue to have some tenderness in my chest and shoulder, but the "pain" has mostly subsided. Medication seems to be doing its job; even though I am often sleepy, I am feeling much better. As I feel better, I want to do everything that I normally do. Under the doctor's advice, I have to take it easy for a while longer. That means I'm limited to playing piano only when absolutely necessary for work....and that playing is simply "marking" the left hand.

Want to frustrate a musician? Simply tell them they can't make music for a while. It is killing me to play for lessons and know that I cannot "fix" the problems that arise since I'm not yet able to resume my normal practice schedule. I'm listening to more music than normal, but it just isn't the same as creating music with my hands. I anticipate that I'll be able to get back to practicing once I return from my upcoming trip to the West Coast. I'm looking forward to the time away.....but I'm really looking forward to getting to sit at my piano again and get back to work!

Paperwork

I have spent years of my life completing paperwork. There are always reports to file and applications to complete. Rarely have I found myself as frustrated by paperwork as I have been this week.

Given my recent health scares, I've begun the process of obtaining health insurance. I'm a relatively healthy man who has consistently visited the same physician. I am certain that a health insurance agency is going to check my medical records thoroughly. Why then must I provide such specific health information? I was asked for all prescriptions I have taken for the past three years (not just the "dailies") and dates and treatments for illnesses ranging from sinusitis to major surgery.

When I finally got over the frustration of needing to complete the form, I asked the doctor's office for assistance. The staff told me that their practice was to provide requested information directly to the insurance company. Without the information, however, my application will be considered incomplete. It's a catch-22! No wonder I have chosen to forgo dealing with health insurance companies for so long.

After a discussion with an insurance agent, the forms have been completed. I just hope I don't start receiving phone calls from representatives trying to confirm all of my statements. If telling them to request and review the records from my physician doesn't work, I'll find myself right back at square one with more frustration.

Doctor Visits

Vacation is generally a time for rest, relaxation, and recuperation. Since my parents and I got home on Monday afternoon, we've been suffering with aches and pains. As a result, Dad was in the doctor's office yesterday and I am visiting at the time of this posting. It's a strange set of circumstances, but I'm thankful that things don't appear to be terribly serious.

Dad pulled a muscle in his lower back late last week while getting into my cousin's van. I felt sorry for him while driving home on Monday, but it was a humorous scene. Dad couldn't get comfortable so he rode in the back seat of the Outlander for 9 hours. This 6'1" tall man was throwing his leg up in the seat and shoving blankets, pillows, and sweaters behind his back and head, trying to find some comfort. He didn't want to get out of the car for bathroom breaks or food stops; when Mom and I got out, he reconsidered and made an awkward jaunt into the various establishments. Since he was sitting in the back, all voices from the front seats were projecting away from him. Dad has difficulty hearing as it is (just don't ask him to admit that fact!), so there was no way to entertain him through conversation. It was really rather amusing to hear Dad comment on things that were discussed literally moments before by the two of us in the front of the car.

Shortly after lunch, I suggested Dad call the doctor to make an appointment for the following morning and ask what pain relievers he could take that wouldn't interfere with his other medications. Apparently it had never crossed my parents' minds to call their primary physician to have him call in a prescription to get Dad through the rest of our vacation without being in too much pain. (What can I say? I was taking a vacation from the geriatric ward myself and didn't think to suggest making the phone call either.)

On Tuesday morning, Dad visited the doctor and got muscle relaxers and pain relievers. While he was there, he also consulted the doctor about a persistent cough he's been fighting for months. FINALLY!!! The doctor prescribed a strong antibiotic that will be followed by another drug to protect Dad's kidneys. (Since the situation has been ignored for so long, the drug treatment had to be extremely aggressive to get things under control.) To my chagrin, Dad did not discuss his hearing issues with the doctor....probably because he is convinced that the only reason he can't hear is because my mother and I mumble all of the time. Oh well.....I'll take a victory in the issue of the cough today and fight another battle on another day.

Today (Wednesday) finds me visiting the doctor myself. I've noticed a bump appearing on the outside of my left leg about midway between my knee and ankle. Normally the bump only comes up when I'm doing cardio in the gym; while in Texas, the bump began to appear more often. It's not painful. It almost feels like a muscle that is knotting up inside. Anyway, I don't want to self diagnose since I get so frustrated when my parents do the same thing. I'm having it checked out to make sure there's nothing serious that needs to be addressed and to see if I'm exacerbating it somehow.

Now that we're home and relaxed from the stress of work and school, it's the perfect time to deal with issues that have been causing stress to our bodies. After all, knowledge is power.....and it's time to find out what's going on and find solutions.

UPDATE: I just returned from my doctor's appointment with relatively good news. The bump on my leg is a small varicose vein. Nothing to worry about and nothing that needs attention at this time. We will continue to monitor it however.  kf

The Lesson of Pain

I've been going to the gym again for almost 3 weeks now. I go because I know my body needs exercise. I like the feeling to taking deep, purifying breaths. I don't mind getting sweaty and smelly. I've learned to not worry about what other people are doing or what they think about what I'm doing. I don't mind the feeling of sore muscles in the morning since those are reminders that I'm accomplishing something. What I absolutely HATE is pain....and more often than not, this is what keeps me away from the gym.

I tend to have a very low pain tolerance. As soon as something begins to hurt, I'm going to stop doing whatever is causing the pain. Thankfully I'm fairly certain that I've learned the difference between discomfort and pain. Discomfort is inconvenient and not a great feeling, but it's something that I can push through and know that I'm not damaging my body. Pain is the body's signal that something is potentially wrong and needs attention.

As I write today, I'm sitting here with knees that are making walking difficult and problems with my lower back. Every day in the gym leads to some level of discomfort in these parts of my body. Today I made it to the gym on my off day and started working out when the pain hit in my left knee. I tried to push through it until I clearly understood my body's message.....STOP DOING THAT TODAY OR ELSE!

Pain comes to us emotionally and spiritually as well. While the physical expression of pain is hard to ignore, sometimes we push down agonizing pain that lies deep inside our spirit. I have learned over the past few months that we can use some of the same tactics we use for our body's pains to heal the hurts in our emotions and spirit.

• Acknowledge and assess the pain. One of the first things we have to do is admit that we're hurting. Too often we fall for the lie that the strong ignore their pain and convince themselves that it will eventually disappear if they don't acknowledge it. Nothing is further from the truth. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually, it is essential that we admit when we are suffering and honestly assess its severity. Is this something I can just walk off or do I need to allow myself to experience intense healing?
• Determine the cause of the pain. Recently while on the treadmill I began to experience pain in my left leg. Rather than stopping immediately, I tried to identify where the pain was and what was causing the problem. This was the first step in adjusting my form and finding relief. The same is true of our emotional pain. Once we acknowledge our pain, it is important that we attempt to figure out where the pain is coming from. This allows us to modify behavior and responses in order to stop the pain from increasing.
• Ask for input. I couldn't determine what the problem was on the treadmill, so I asked my trainer if he saw anything awkward in my work. This required me openly admitting to another person where I was hurting and allowing them to provide constructive criticism in order to alleviate the hurt. Sometimes it may be helpful to share our emotional and spiritual pain with a trusted friend and ask them to observe you and see if they notice anything you are doing to bring the pain into your life. Objective observers can often see things that we are not aware of.
• Remove the source of pain. My knee problems were associated with speed on the treadmill. Similar speeds on the elliptical and inclines on the treadmill at slower tempo did not cause pain and still accomplished raising my heart rate. Rather than allowing myself to continue experiencing pain, we eliminated the part of the routine that was causing the problem. Emotionally, we may identify that our pain source is a specific activity, relationship, or past memory. When possible, separating ourselves from the pain inducer is the first step to recovery.
• Rest! Pain doesn't totally go away until the problem has been healed. Do I really think that I could resume my work on the treadmill the next day without any pain? Absolutely not! My body needed time to recover. We understand that rest and recovery is essential to our physical body. We are often negligent when it comes to allowing our emotions and spirit to rest as well after we've been hurt. Foolishly, we often jump right back into the same circumstances much too soon when we've been hurt. The result to our spirit is similar to what would happen to our body. We re-injure ourselves, the damage and pain is more severe, and the required recovery time is much more extensive. 

I've gone through the first four steps of dealing with emotional pain this year; I'm still taking my time through the resting stage. I'm not going to rush it and I'm not going to get comfortable in it either. I'm looking forward to the day that my spirit and emotions are fully restored so I can once again dive in without fear of being hurt and suffering from debilitating emotional pain.

Cleaning Out the Clutter

I suppose it's time to confess.....I hate cleaning! I don't like to live in filth either, but I cannot stand cleaning. Although my disorganization takes over in places like my bedroom, my lack of cleaning is most evident in my car -- also known as my office on wheels.

Since I spend so much time in my car you would think I would be more determined to keep it clean. The issue is not dealing with the trash....I don't mind picking up the mess and throwing stuff away. The problem is all of the other stuff:  books, musical scores, CDs, and sundry other things that are important. Once I clean them out of my car, I have to figure out WHERE IN THE WORLD to put them in my parents' house. Inevitably, I add these items to a growing stack already in the house and have to call that organization. (Contrary to popular opinion, I can generally find whatever I need in these stacks as long as no one decides to begin moving things around in an effort to helpfully "clean up!" I still have nightmares over such a "helpful hand" while writing my dissertation....I'm still trying to get over the stress that was created by lumping all of my papers into a single stack!)

My family is going on vacation in a few days and my car will be making the trip. Since my parents will both be in the car for an extended period of time with me, I knew that some housekeeping was necessary -- for their sakes as well as mine! Imagine my surprise when I looked under the passenger's seat and discovered three books that had been wedged underneath for several months. Now I know why I could never manage to find a clean Tupperware cup in the kitchen too....they were all in my car! The mess really wasn't that bad (I was shocked!) and I didn't have to figure out where too many things were going to reside. But it got me to thinking......how often do we avoid cleaning out the clutter of our lives because we don't want to deal with the mess that will be uncovered?

I've been doing a lot of emotional unpacking lately. I've been taking the time to deal with issues related to anger, hurt feelings, and sadness by "pulling out the junk" and daring to look at the root. It's not been a fun process and it's not been pretty. I've discovered some things that I didn't even realize I was harboring. Honestly, it's been rather painful. I've had to come face to face with betrayal, disappointment, and pain that I had pushed into the deepest corners of my being. Why push all of these emotions down so deep? I didn't know where to put the feelings without creating a visible mess in my life. Just as I don't want to deal with figuring out where to put the stuff that emerges from my car when I clean it out, I didn't want to have to address things in my life that I didn't have a clear shelf to put them on. When I finally realized that these stuffed emotions were beginning to push other good things out of my life, I knew it was time to clean house.

I can't tackle everything in a single sweep and expect to succeed. The cleaning is a slow process and it takes a lot of work. So I'm allowing myself to dive into one corner at a time, look at the trash, throw out what's unneeded, and store what I may need in the future. Then I rest and reflect on the progress I made in that area before moving to the next. Somehow I don't think the emotional cleaning process ever actually comes to an end, but it gets easier once I begin to maintain areas that have already been cleared of debris. Thankfully, I'm not doing this alone. My loving Heavenly Father enters the darkest corners with me, sits with me through the tears of frustration, shame, and anger, and then helps me find restoration and peace in life as I clear out the clutter that has accumulated.

I Resolve....

Now that we are a week into 2013, I'm finally ready to commit to my resolutions for the year. I guess I had to take things slowly and thoughtfully since making a public announcement makes me more accountable.  Some of these will be observable by everyone who knows me; the accomplishment of others will be things that only God and I will know.  Here's goes nothing......

1. Increase my personal reading.  Some of you are probably aware that I maintain another blog, Reading for Me, that details my path towards recapturing reading for personal fulfillment and pleasure.  The ultimate goal is to read 52 books in a single calendar year.  2012 saw the greatest number of books in a single year with 32.  My goal is to read at least 33 books in 2013.....but hopefully more!  The most difficult time of year to maintain my reading is when school is in session. Although I love the sensation of holding a book in hand, I am attempting to use my iPad as my primary reading device.  I hope this will enable me to continue reading even when I only have a few moments to spare throughout the day.
2. Lose 20 pounds.  This goal has caused me the most difficulty.  I want to set a goal that is achievable, but not too easy either.  In the summer of 2012, I began working with a personal trainer. With all of the ups and downs that the year brought, I have netted a total weight loss of 8 pounds.  Diet is a struggle when I'm on the road.....and keeping a consistent workout regiment is tough when I'm not at home.  To help with this process, I moved my gym membership today to Anytime Fitness;  Anytime also has a facility in Jackson, Tennessee.  Now I just have to get my mind in gear to workout when I'm working away from home.  You can follow my progress in my weight loss journey on my most sporadically published blog Just Have to Start Somewhere.
3. Write on a more regular basis.  Seeing that I have four blogs, it should be clear to most people that I enjoy writing. I don't necessarily think I have anything of tremendous value to share....it's just therapeutic to put my thoughts down and share with anyone that actually wants to read. Like my personal reading, I've struggled with maintaining a regular schedule when school is in session. I think I was trying to publish too regularly.  So I've changed my approach and am hoping for good things.  I intend to publish posts on Reading for Me and Just Have to Start Somewhere when needed....no regular schedule there.  This blog is the oldest of them all and the one that I think I owe the most writing to.....so I hope to write here 2 or 3 times each week.  I'm shooting for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  My professional blog is Collaborations and was dormant for much of 2012.  My goal is to have a new post on Thursday of each week.  You can be part of my success in this endeavor; your comments on the blog site reminds me that other people are reading them which motivates me to carry on.
4. Schedule times of rest.  Most workers look forward to the weekend.  It's a couple of days to rest and revive their energy for the challenges that lie in the week ahead.  Since I'm piecing together several part-time jobs to make a living, my schedule rarely works out where I have entire days without any work.  I'm sensing the beginnings of burn-out and fatigue in my personal life and feel directed by God to correct the constant work-mode that I have maintained in the past year. Since taking a "Sabbath" day is not possible at this time, my goal is to allow myself to divide the "Sabbath" up throughout the week, finding chunks of time during the week that I can block out for rest and relaxation.  Since school hasn't started, finding these days of rest has been easy so far.  (I'm actually enjoying one today!)  Once the semester kicks off next year, I'll be looking for 8 hours (at least) each week to devote to me.  Given my mindset and work ethic, I know this will be a challenge for me.  I am committed to making it a priority, however.
5. Spiritual growth.  This will be the resolution that I will keep most private for obvious reasons. I am not satisfied with my spiritual condition and I don't think that any growing Christian should ever be satisfied! As such, there are several things that God has placed on my heart to develop me into the man He has designed me to be. I'll be pursuing these quietly behind the scenes and I pray that they will display themselves in my life so others can see the light and love of my Savior.  I would appreciate your prayers throughout the year as I pursue a more intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father in the coming year.

That is what's motivating me as I step into the early days of 2013.  Now it's time to get going and see how I can make these resolutions reality!