When Words Won't Come

The cursor flashes on the blank screen. I try to write a few words, but they aren't right. Backspace, backspace, backspace. I stare at the flashing dash as it taunts me to try again. I know I have something to say. I know that it is worth the effort. I just don't know how to start. Words simply won't come!

I have agreed to attempt a couple of writing projects that are larger than my everyday blogging. I have thought about the topics. I have formed my opinions. I have done the preliminary research. With a deadline looming and no clarity about where the writing will take me, I stare at the screen in fear. For some reason, I feel as though words that are actually typed carry weight and permanence. As soon as I acknowledge this false opinion, I go back to the "tried and true" method of writing. I grab a pen and a legal pad. Suddenly, words are pouring onto the page and the writing process doesn't seem as intimidating.

I can't explain why, but I find something comforting about literally putting pen to paper. I suddenly give myself permission to write in disconnected fragments. What surprises me the most about the process is how my mind quickly organizes the chaos in the act of writing by hand. Connections I was not previously aware of begin to be illuminated and the pieces of the puzzle begin to fall into place. 

It's been a long time since I have struggled to this degree with a writing assignment. I have to admit that I started with the project that was most interesting to me and that I knew would ultimately be successful. The one that remains has me intimidated. I'm not an authority on all aspects of this topic and that has me second-guessing myself. Add to that the stress that the paper is of more of a formal nature and you can begin to understand that procrastination is hard at work. So I suppose it's time to find some quiet time in the office this weekend when no one is around and just begin to spill my thoughts onto my legal pad and see what comes out. I'm hoping to be surprised at the final product.

Laughing at Yourself

Momma said there would be days like this. Days when nothing seems to go quite right no matter what you do. Days when you are not sure if you should just crawl back in bed and try coming out with the next sunrise or simply cower in a far away corner while you wave the white flag of surrender. On these days, you can either choose to cry or learn to laugh at yourself.  I've cried enough over the years. I'm finally learning to laugh again....and it feels great!

Laughing at myself and at the absurdity of certain situations helps me to remember just how insignificant some things truly are. Laughing helps me to look for joy even in what feels like the worst of times. It helps me to admit the part I play in the frustrating situation and helps me stay humble. Most of all, laughing at myself reduces stress before it can become overwhelming and helps those around me feel more comfortable as well. That sounds like a win-win situation to me!

Clear out the grey clouds that are trying to loom over your day and simply chuckle. After all, things can't always go wrong....and if they do, you'll still be able to find something to smile about.

Hits and Misses (August 7-13)

Here's a look back at the week that was...

HITS

• It was wonderful to find myself back at College Heights this week. While I enjoyed worshipping with friends at home over the summer, it was great to be back with my church family. On Tuesday, the blessings continued as I joined the senior adults for their monthly luncheon. I enjoyed laughing and talking with them before I had the honor of sharing some music with them. I wasn't exactly sure what kind of program was expected, but I went with my gut and asked God to use my playing to touch their lives. What a sweet few minutes we were able to spend together in the fellowship hall worshipping our Lord. I truly hope to be able to play for these precious people again in the future.
• Back and hip problems plagued me over the weekend, so I went in search of a chiropractor on Monday morning. I was pleased to get worked in at West Texas Clinic of Chiropractic and quickly became comfortable with Dr. Nate Pochucha. I was thankful to find a doctor who was knowledgeable, personable, and that took the time to listen to my concerns and issues. It looks as though I will be seeing Dr. Nate quite a lot in the next few months to begin correcting some long-standing issues with my spine. I've already experienced some relief from my back pain and am very optimistic about things to come.
• Texting with my college apartment-mate is never dull. Tiff can make me laugh when no one else can. And she calls me out on things when needed as well. There was a flurry of text messages between Plainview and Honolulu this week....and I had a blast!
• It's been a rather peaceful week in the office. There aren't many students around and I've enjoyed the quiet because I've been able to get some things done in preparation for the semester's start. There's nothing better than being productive when the pace is slow and steady instead of frantic.
• I discovered a forgotten stash of gift certificates in my desk drawer this week. They couldn't have come at a better time either!

MISSES

• Financial stresses are never fun. Things have been tight all summer long after some unexpected expenses. I began paying Dr. Nate for chiropractic care this week just before learning that my insurance premiums were going up -- almost doubling, actually -- as a result of May's accident. Just when I thought I was going to be putting that nightmare behind me.....
• It's no secret that I eat in restaurants quite a bit. What can I say? It's easier to pay them and not have to deal with the preparation, clean up, and left overs! I intentionally try to visit places during their non-peak hours so the wait staff is not going crazy. This week, I experienced a new variation of that. While at Pizza Hut late on Wednesday night, I had to flag down wait staff to get any service at all. It wasn't that they were short handed either. There were probably more people on staff than diners at that moment. They just didn't bother to take care of anything! Frustrating!

Alone at Last!

The apartment is quiet. It's just me and the television on most days. That's quite a change from the hubbub of the Geriatric Ward for the past three months. It has taken some getting used to, but I think I'm finally getting used to the idea of being alone again....and actually coming to enjoy it.

I'm a self-proclaimed introvert. I don't mind being with people and can be a social person when necessary, but I do enjoy being by myself much of the time. I enjoy the quiet. It gives me time to think and to slow down from the normal hectic pace. I don't have to worry about anyone else's preferences or schedules. I can lie on the couch and watch anything I want on television...or I can click the boob tube off and curl up with my latest novel. It's much easier to close my eyes and meditate when no one else is going to traipse through the room. Dinner plans are never open for discussion; I can eat what I want when I want and no one else can possibly complain.

I will tell you that I wish my parents were here with me. I miss their laughter and energy -- most of the time. But for this season of my life, that's not what is in the cards for me, so I'll just continue to learn to be content in this situation and continue looking for things to enjoy about being alone at last.

Back to Reality.....

It's time to face the fact that summer vacation can't last forever. The mornings of sleeping in are slowly coming to an end. The lazy days of relaxing on the couch while mindlessly watching television are a thing of the past. Now my thoughts are turned to organizing classes, reviewing literature, writing articles, and advising students. Students will begin arriving on campus next week for band camp; classes begin on the 24th.

It seems as though there is so much work to do to get ready for the fall. I find myself constantly adding new items to my to-do list because I can't afford to miss a step. If it were just the responsibilities of teaching classes, I think I would be okay. Currently, it's the items associated with my personal life and health that are demanding my attention. Everything is getting done.....slowly, but surely. I've just had to give myself permission to let things take a little more time to do than I normally anticipate as I continue to regain my energy and strength.

I suppose I've stalled long enough! It's time that I get "back to reality" and mark a few more things off my ever-growing list.

Hits and Misses (July 31 - August 6)

Here's a look back at the week that was.....

HITS

• I made it back to west Texas safely this week. The driving was smooth. The car behaved. There were no near collisions. After the many dangerous driving experiences this summer, I've become much more thankful for the uneventful drives.
• Before heading back to Texas, I was able to catch up with a dear friend and colleague, Sabrina Warren. It was lovely to sit in a quiet corner of Panera and laugh and talk with this wonderful soprano. I enjoyed hearing about her recent travels, the progress she is making on her dissertation (which I can't wait to hear more about -- incredibly interesting!), and how her students are progressing.
• When I arrived in Plainview on Thursday, I was just expecting a normal night of settling in. I was thrilled to be reminded that Thursday nights mean donut runs here in the music department! The crew was smaller than normal, but it was so refreshing to sit with students and colleagues once again. I think I'm finally getting ready for the semester to get back into full swing.
• On Friday night, I ventured to Lubbock to see a production of Carousel. The performance was good. The setting was lovely; I had low expectations since the show would be presented in an outdoor amphitheater. I was pleasantly surprised. Throughout the evening, my mind wandered back to my own experience with this classic musical as a 16-year-old pianist. That's when I was first bit by the theater bug and when I began to dream that I could make a career as a pianist. That's why Carousel will always hold a special place in my heart.

MISSES

• I hate packing! Whether it's a short trip or a major move, I despise trying to gather everything I'll need. I think it's worse for me when I know that if I leave anything behind, it will be very inconvenient for me to get it back for a few months. Sure....things could be mailed if needed, but that's just not an ideal situation. After all, we all know that I tend to be a worry-wart anyway.
• I didn't get to leave Arkansas as originally planned because of continued issues with my blood pressure. It wasn't a big deal since I still made it into town in plenty of time to fulfill my commitments and get the car registered. I just don't like last minute changes to my schedule. If I've been able to plan for it, the change doesn't seem to be as jarring to my system. I'm a creature of habit.
• You would think that leaving my childhood home would get easier over time. After all, I've been living on my own for a year and regular telephone calls keep me connected with home. Still, saying goodbye to the Geriatrics is never easy. Maybe it's because I know they are getting older and that our time together is limited. Perhaps I'm still just a big baby! Honestly, I think the truest statement I can make about the situation is that over the years -- despite the frustrating times -- they have become my best friends. When they're not around, a part of my heart is incomplete. Okay...time to shove this topic back to the back recesses of my mind again.....it's still a little too fresh to deal with at the moment.
• Facebook has been frustrating this week. For some reason, my blog posts are not appearing on my wall. Everything is working fine in Twitter, so I'm not entirely sure what the problem is. I'll try to get that figured out this week before things get too hectic here in the office.
• It's HOT! Wow! I don't want to move at all because of the heat. It took several hours for the AC in my apartment to catch up with the heat -- even though I had left the thermostat on 76 while I was away. So I'm spending a lot of my days at the moment in the library, local restaurants, and my office to stay cool. While driving into town, I learned that the AC was out in my office as well. Thankfully, that hasn't been too terribly bad as long as I keep the door opened and let the air from the hall keep things bearable.

Hits and Misses (July 24-30)

Here's a look back at the week that was.....

HITS

• I thoroughly enjoyed getting to catch up with friends this week. I spent some time at AGM on Wednesday talking with Robbie and Kathy. I left full of joy, encouraged, and inspired with new ideas for future projects. On Saturday, I got an unexpected text message from my college roommate. Even though we don't chat often, it's always nice to hear what's going on in his world and to return to some great memories for just a little while.
• I think my car made its final trip to the shop for the summer. The last of the sensors that was messed up in May's accident has been replaced and no annoying check engine lights have made an appearance. I'm just thankful for an insurance policy that has covered all of this mess.
• As I continued to struggle with my blood pressure, I decided to make an appointment with my cardiologist. I actually saw the nurse practitioner, but she confirmed what I already knew -- the recently prescribed meds were not working. It felt good to have a medical professional listen to my concerns, explain what was happening, and provide detailed instructions about our new treatment. After making a few changes and starting the new drug therapy, I started to feel like my old self almost instantly. The nurse did warn that it will take a few weeks to recover all of my energy, but knowing that I'm on the road to recovery makes the current mild fatigue easier to handle.

MISSES

• Wednesday was a rainy day in Memphis. Combine the weather with stupid Memphis drivers and you have the formula for very dangerous roads. While driving to Collierville, I was involved in 3 close calls that could have easily resulted in another accident. I'm tempted to encase myself in bubble wrap and never step outside again. Yikes!
• While my car was in the shop, I had to use the Geriatric-mobile to run errands. Trying to get into their car could be considered a contortionist act. As a result of my stint with the circus this week, I'm dealing with some hip and low back pain. Guess I'll be contacting a chiropractor again.
• Pharmacies can be difficult sometimes. My new medication is a relatively new drug.....that my local pharmacy didn't have in stock. After a convincing conversation, they were able to call other druggists in the area to find the needed drugs. I just hate that my blood pressure had to rise in order to get some help.

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