Misery Loves Company

Everyone has problems. It's simply a fact of life. The truth of the matter though is that "misery loves company." Admit it.....you know it's true!

Now before you begin condemning me, understand where I'm coming from. While it's true that "hurt people hurt people" (that's not a typo...read it again and grasp the truth of that statement), that's not what I am intending. I don't want other people to suffer just because I am. However, I do find comfort in knowing that I'm not the ONLY person suffering. Misery loves company. It's strangely encouraging to hear that other people find themselves in difficult situations as well....especially when we both see the humor in the situation.

Why has this thought come to mind now? Earlier this week I posted about the drama of trying to fix the Geriatric Ward's thermostat only to learn that the system was heating the house instead of cooling it. The culprit who had turned on the heat? My Dad. The next day, I got a message from a friend that her geriatric patient mother was driving her bonkers as well. It brought a smile to my face to hear it. We weren't being mean; we were laughing about the situation. But we both knew that misery was DEFINITELY enjoying company! Since we are both caring for aging parents, Tiff and I jokingly said that we should write a joint blog called "Tales from the Geriatric Ward." The more I think about it though, the more I think it might be a really good idea. Hmmmm........

I don't want to hear that your problems are worse than mine. I don't want to participate in a pity party for either of us. I simply find it humorous when we begin to share stories together. When we laugh at each other's situations -- and the laughter is tempered with legitimately good natured feelings -- our spirits begin to soar and we realize that weeping doesn't last forever. Things will get better. We'll finally learn to find the humor in the most frustrating situations. It's just much easier to face a difficult or trying situation when I know that I have a friend walking through a similar situation with me. After all, misery loves company!

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Bearer of Bad News

No one likes receiving bad news. We spend so much effort trying to avoid its negative effects. Giving bad news is not much better. Yesterday, I had to inform a person that what they had hoped would be the outcome of a specific situation would not be happening. I've known for a few weeks that this conversation was going to have to happen. I wasn't looking forward to it and was hoping the situation would work itself out. Was I at fault? No, the failure was solely the result of the individual's bad choices. I simply didn't want to have to be the bearer of bad news.

I suppose that's a weakness on my part. I will do anything possible to avoid conflict. Sometimes that means I'll allow uncomfortable situations to continue unresolved in the hope that they will simply go away. At other times, I will become a victim of another's verbal or emotional abuse rather than explain why things are not going to happen as they had hoped. More often than not, both situations end up with me tied up in knots, emotionally worn down and so annoyed that I'm not doing anyone any good. Even though I know this is going to be the result, I tend to opt for personal discomfort over conversing with a person with whom I'm in conflict.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being miserable because I'm afraid that I might hurt someone's feelings. My feelings are just as important. My emotional health is worth protecting -- even if I have to give some bad news. I won't accept responsibility for the bad news -- especially when it's not the result of my actions -- and will simply give the information, allow the other individual to deal with it as they see fit, and let the chips fall where they may. It will definitely be a lot less stressful than keeping it all bottled up inside in an effort to keep everyone else happy.

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Tales from the Geriatric Ward: Thermostat Troubles

On Saturday night, I was pretty dead to the world. I had just driven home from the NATS regional competition in Bowling Green, Kentucky and desperately needed some sleep. I watched a little television while crawling in bed. As I began to doze, I found myself getting choked and sweating. Perfect, I'm getting sick! Then I realize that the air coming from the vent in my room is warm and not cutting off. In the Geriatric Ward, one always has to think outside the box and expect insanity!

 

I stumble into the dining room -- nearly falling through the rotting floor, but that's ANOTHER story from the GW. I grope about for the light switch, allow my eyes to adjust to the brightness, and begin to investigate the thermostat. The "fool proof" system is in hold mode....a common method of controling the thermostat favored by the Chief of the Crazies residing in the Geriatric Ward. The temperature is set at 79; the control switch is under the word "heat." OH MY GOD! THE CHIEF CRAZY HAS OFFICIALLY GONE CRA-CRA!!!! It's a lovely 61 degrees outside and the heat is blowing full blast in an effort to raise the interior temperature 18 degrees in early April! OH MY GOD!

 

Bleary-eyed, I attempt to lower the temperature on the console, but the heat will not kick off! Panic is starting to set in as I convince myself that the Chief of the Crazies has broken the thermostat and simply gone into his lair thinking no one will be the wiser! Now I'm frantically pushing buttons, moving switches from "heat" to "cool" to "off" in an effort to get the insanity to stop. After all, I just want to go to sleep! (When Kennith doesn't sleep, it's not a happy time to be around him!) I consider ripping the blasted control off the wall when the fan finally stops! I am so relieved that I am going to get to sleep after all. That's when I remember that the door to my tiny bedroom has been closed tight during this 20 minute ordeal. (Lest you think I'm exaggerating on the length of time.....I promise you, it's true!)

 

I walk into the rear sauna bedroom and accept the fact that I am going to lose a few pounds while I sleep lie on top of my sheets for a few hours. That's when I have the BRILLIANT idea to turn on the ceiling fan to cool things off a bit. Did you know that my hometown is also home to a rice mill that's located just a few hundred feet from our house? Dust is a constant resident in the Geriatric Ward. Now that we have central air, we rarely run the ceiling fans and they are a perfect landing spot for lots of those dust particles. The good news? It was late at night, so I didn't see the snow-like blanket covering the foot of my bed until the next morning. The bad news? The snowy mess was probably significantly smaller than it could have been since my sneezes throughout Sunday morning and afternoon suggest that I inhaled a large amount of the moving dust. Now I find myself wondering if the Geriatric patients' craziness is contagious. I fear that I may have been infected!

 

Ah well....it's just another adventure in the Geriatric Ward.

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If I Had a Million Dollars.....

Since the taxman has come to collect his share of my money (and reduced the size of my checking account by half), I think it's as good of a time as any to fantasize about what I would do if I had a million dollars. Since this is purely fantasy, I don't have to spend responsibly. I'm not thinking about buying a home, charitable giving, or paying bills. No, this imaginary money is simply going to be spent on things that bring pleasure to me.

It should come as no surprise that I would begin with some major travel! There are so many places I have visited that I want to see again. There are places I've dreamed about going and just haven't gotten around to it. I would definitely return to San Francisco and New York. My limited time in southern Germany during graduate school ended with me leaving a piece of my heart in its burgs. I can't wait to visit Australia. I long to see an opera at La Scala and visit the Louvre. That will be enough travel before returning home for a week or so! By then, I'm sure I'll have new "must sees" added to my list.

I'd probably pursue another degree as well. I can't help it.....I love being a student! Right now, I'm fascinated with the study of history, especially the European Renaissance. But I'd also like to explore sociology and political science. Where would I go? I think I'd head east this time.......maybe to the Boston area? 

What about you? If you had a million dollars, what would you spend it on? (Remember, this money can only be spent on pleasurable activities......no mature or responsible decisions are permitted!)

Introvert

I just realized on Monday that this post never went live.  Here it is.....a few weeks after I wrote it, but still something I want to keep in mind.  KF
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As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about who I am. Who I REALLY am....not who people perceive me to be. One of my characteristics that many do not really understand (and misunderstand) is that I am an introvert at the core. I would much rather spend time with my own thoughts.

Is my introversion a result of nature or nurture? I think it's a little of both actually. Although I am the youngest of three children, 10 years separate me from my nearest sibling. For all practical purposes, I was raised as an only child. Combine this fact with the many hours spent alone on a piano bench perfecting my craft and you begin to understand. In my formative years, running around with friends was not a compelling draw. Instead, I was most comfortable and at peace when I was alone with my thoughts and ideas.

Over the years, I have also developed a passion for reading fiction. Originally this love for books came about because I really didn't have many opportunities to develop strong friendships. (This also explains why my grades in college suffered tremendously. I was meeting more people than ever before who I had things in common with and didn't take enormous pleasure in ridiculing me for the first time. Suddenly, I had no time for reading at all!) Once again, I am returning to books as I find that many of my closest friends are not near by. Since I don't enjoy telephone calls at all (more on that in a future post), I read and reflect.

Does this mean I don't like people? Certainly not! I treasure friendship greatly, but I'm very selective in who will get into my most inner circle of friends. Since I spend so much time alone, I'm comfortable in that situation.....so I don't feel it necessary to be around people. Many who think they are "close" to me don't realize that they really aren't. Honestly, there is a very small group of people -- maybe 8 people -- who ever get to see me without any walls or editing.

How has my introversion effected my social skills? Since I haven't had a ton of practice over the years in social settings, I tend to be rather awkward in them. This makes me uncomfortable and nervous, so I tend to avoid social situations. However, once you are a trusted friend who has proven that you accept me just as I am (expecting nothing in return from me at all), I will gladly explore the world with you. If I'm with a friend, there aren't many places that I won't go at least once.  (Hogs and Heifers in NYC or Shamu spotting in Honolulu, anyone?)

How do I manage to speak in front of groups? It's all part of the performer in me. It's a skill that is needed and that I have developed over the years. Planning in advance, I can speak in front of anyone. It's when I need to speak off the cuff about things that I either know very little about or passionate care about that I begin to get tongue tied.

My shyness is often mistaken for aloofness and snobbery. I find that normally the people making these accusations are either threatened by me in some way or incapable of conceiving of the fact that they are not the center of everyone's universe. Regardless of the reason, my quietness doesn't mean that I am disrespecting you. My refusal to socialize with you should not be taken as a personal affront. I am just being true to myself and investing my time in things that bring me the greatest amount of pleasure.

Recovering...

It's been a busy few weeks for me. Lots of performing and grading. I was able to escape for a few days before coming home to face the responsibilities of Holy Week.  Now that Easter has come and gone, I'm getting to enjoy a little time of recuperation.

My recovery will have to be quick though, as I return to Union tomorrow to pick up rehearsals before traveling to Western Kentucky University this weekend to play at the regional NATS competition. After NATS is over, my focus returns to the classroom and finishing another semester of instruction with my students at the end of April.  May means I'll turn in grades early in the month before playing for voice boards (aka juries) at Union.  Once May 12 rolls around, I'll be done for a few weeks....and plan to take a little more time to devote to recovery.

Of course, my life doesn't just include the things I've mentioned here.  There's still another recital later this month, opera workshop, and lots of playing on departmental recitals in additional to my regular responsibilities at the church. I suppose I can't forget about family commitments either (although I would like to sometimes! Ha!) I'm not complaining. It's the life that I have chosen....and I really do enjoy it.....most of the time! When the calendar starts to get full and things begin to conflict with each other (which seems to be happening more and more this semester), I find myself stressed out and looking for any moment of rest I can find. So I'm gonna head back to my mindless activities for the rest of the day, try to rest a bit more, and look forward to another departure (hopefully more extended) on May 13.

Who Am I Anyway?

My junior year of high school, my character in the school musical sang a song with this title. I've blocked out much of that show -- it was bad theater as well as a forgettable production -- but I still catch myself humming this melody from time to time. This week, I've had some time to reflect on the answer to that question as it applies to my life.
Who am I? The answer depends upon who you ask. Some know me as family, while others know me as "brother" in a different sort of way. Am I a pianist, teacher, accompanist, or church musician? Am I sullen and selfish or introverted and reflective? In each of these cases, I am identified by my role rather than by who I really am. Sadly, I've recently fallen into the trap of allowing other people's opinions to become my own definition of who I am. That's one of the reasons that it is so important for me to get away from everyone and get my head back in order. It's time for the real Kennith to return.
There really are very few people who truly know me. Some who think they know "me" would be shocked to discover that they only know a fragment of the person that I really am. For various reasons, I have learned to wear appropriate masks that change depending on the situation. (Before you get too high and mighty, dear reader, let's just be honest and admit that we all do this to some degree.) The reason is not based in manipulation or deception; it's a survival technique. The masks keep me from being hurt too deeply in stressful situations and allow me to appear more confident than I really am when the circumstances demand leadership. Other masks portray an image of disinterest about situations that actually matter deeply to me.
Where is all of this leading? Your guess is as good as mine! My intention at this moment is to devote some time on this blog to exploring some of the answers to this question. Some posts will provide insight into aspects of my character that can easily be misunderstood. Others may come across harsh (a danger of being truthful, at times). It is never my intention to upset or offend anyone (although I have had a great proclivity for that recently.....ugh!) -- so if you know that you easily fall into either of these categories, it might be best to avoid reading these posts for a while. After all, this blog is place for me to share my ideas and feelings.......and those aren't always pretty. Consider yourself warned -- I won't self-edit everything I say here for the sake of those intentionally looking to find fault. That's gone on for far too long already.
What do I hope to accomplish? I hope to address some lies that I have accepted about myself and by shining the light of truth on them, call them out and explain once and for all why they are not acceptable. Will it change me? I don't know. Will it empower me to be more comfortable with myself? I think so.

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