When Things Just Don't Work Out

Sometimes things just don't work out....no matter how badly we want it...despite our efforts and reasoning. Even when we finally come to terms in our brain that the outcome was right, our heart still holds on to the desire.

On this late evening as I write, I'm facing one of these situations. Earlier this summer, I was offered the position of Artist-in-Residence at Oklahoma Panhandle State University. I went to visit the campus and fell in love with the people. I was excited to teach a new class. I longed to be able to move out of my parents' home and begin life on my own.

There was only one problem. The salary was only $21,000 annually. Yes, there were benefits to consider -- health insurance, retirement -- but there were also taxes and medicare to deduct from the salary. As I started to run the numbers, I realized I would literally be living hand to mouth. Should a crisis arise, there would be no additional money to deal with the problem.

For weeks, I stared at the numbers, searching for more corners to cut so my dream could become a reality. I dared to imagine the quiet solitude of my own apartment and the joy of having friends over for dinner. After spending several days wishing and hoping, I knew I had to wake up and face reality. The numbers were clear; I could not meet my monthly financial obligations on the offered salary.

When the job offer was made, I was clearly told that the salary was non-negotiable. Writing the email to decline the position was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I have somehow equated having a full time position in my field as the ultimate validation that all the hard work was worth it. I suppose I think a position will finally declare me successful.

My brain knows I made the right decision. Honestly, there wasn't really a choice to make! It's just taking my heart a little while to catch up. So, it's back to the fray of writing cover letters, asking for references, and sending out resumes. I'm just hoping that the dream becomes a reality before I stop hoping and believing.