Desperation

When was the last time you truly felt desperate? You know the feeling. You’ve reached the end of your rope and you’re hanging on by your fingernails to the fraying knot at the end. Good-intentioned shipmates yell encouraging instructions to you, yet their advice is contradictory. As you observe the deck, you see your many responsibilities piling up, waiting for your return. The temptation to just let go of the rope and try life with the sharks is enticing, yet you continue to hold on for dear life. Sound familiar? Most of us must admit that we’ve been there at least once—and probably more often than we would like to admit! How did we get here and how do we pull ourselves out of this quickly deteriorating situation?

Culprit #1 for me is over commitment. You cannot imagine how many times I’ve been told to simplify my life, especially in the area of work. My response is always the same: HOW? As a new comer in the music field, finding a full-time job has been extremely difficult. In the past year, I have sent nearly forty résumés to colleges of all sizes throughout the country. No luck yet. So to try to make ends meet, I have multiple part-time jobs: adjunct professor, church musician, children’s pastor, piano teacher, and performer. In consideration of my professional development, the only one of these I could consider letting go is my work with the children at the church, but since all the church responsibilities are bundled as a package deal, there is no option for reducing my workload there either. For all my work, I often feel grossly underpaid and underappreciated on all employment fronts. My most significant source of income nets $1,200 per month; while I realize that is a respectable salary for a part-time position, the wages do not match the work and skill set that is required for the position.

The helpful advisors suggest finding a job in a different field until I land that elusive first position. In the music field—as in most of academia—such a move is career suicide. Taking a traditional job would force me to give up my college teaching position and would create a scheduling nightmare for my private students. The expectation of potential employers is that you are currently teaching private lessons and general coursework while continually maintaining a high level of performance. You can’t forget the time that must be devoted to personal practice, research, and scholarly writing as well. I’ve been called “lazy” recently for not wanting to add anything else to my life—accused of not having a strong work ethic. I can only smile and go on about my business; only those in the industry or who have ever lived with a musician can truly appreciate the tremendously challenging schedules the work demands while trying to eke out a living. Most think it is our choice that our jobs do not occur during the hours of 8am and 5pm. Today, for instance, my day began at 9am; I finally got home from a packed day of various work-related responsibilities at 10pm.

Now that I know what the problem is, it should be rather easy to find a solution. Right now, nothing seems further from the truth. Recently I have interviewed for a position as a church pianist with another area church. The pay is half of what I make at my current church job, but requires significantly less time, allowing for more studio teaching (assuming I can get the students—another dilemma of the profession). The prospect of no longer holding a leadership position and all the headaches that come with it is tempting. How I long to simply make music that brings honor to God week after week without having to listen to the constant bickering and complaining. I have also considered picking up a part-time job at a bookstore or similar company in order to have a stable income. It will eat into my practice and writing times, but will begin to alleviate the stress of feeling that I am living from one paycheck to the next. At the moment, I don't know what I am going to do.

Am I depressed? Possibly...I don’t really know. I think a better description of my current status is frustrated. It’s been a tough summer with personal attacks coming one after another from all sides. Rejection letters seem to come in on a daily basis and simply add to the discouragement. I have to wonder if I invested all these years of academic pursuits to merely exist unfulfilled in my work and ministry and unable to make a life for myself. I know the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 and I am desperately trying to hold on to that promise, but my grip is slipping.