Childhood Fears

This week, I've been thinking about my childhood quite a bit. Nothing really spurred the thoughts on, it's just been where my mind headed in the few quiet moments that I found myself enjoying. I had a great childhood and treasure many of the memories that I have with family and friends. However, there was also a lot of fear in my life as a kid. Nights were especially troublesome for me. So I began to think about the things that I most feared as a child.

I was horrified of the dark. My parents' home was very dark most nights and there were lots of creaks and squeaks throughout the sleeping hours. I was a relatively light sleeper, so every shift of the floor or critter that I heard outside my window made me think that some nasty creature was hiding under my bed or in my closet to take me away. The more I thought about my fear of the dark, I began to think that perhaps the many sermons I heard over the years that equated evil, darkness, sin, and death really grabbed my imagination. I didn't understand the metaphor that the writers' were using; instead, I found fear in the literal darkness.

I was also very afraid of being left alone. It wasn't a fear of being deserted by my parents; I knew that they loved me and would take care of me. I was always afraid that something would happen to my parents, leaving my older siblings to raise me. (At the time, that was a horrendous thought on a completely different level!) I remember frequently dreaming that I was wondering the aisles of a massive store, frantically searching for my mom. My yells were unanswered, and I became more frightened as I realized that there was NO ONE in the store with me. It was as though everyone completely disappeared from my life.

Since I'm not fond of the outdoors anyway, it should come as no surprise that I have always had an aversion -- no, I'm actually deathly afraid -- of bugs. Growing up, I would freak out if there was a cricket or ant nearby. Heaven help us if I saw a wasp or spider though! I would go into orbit! Bugs were simply gross and not something I wanted to have in my world at all.

Years have passed and I have learned to deal with many of my phobias, but that basic fear is still there. I don't like being in dark places at all. (It took several months before I was comfortable enough to walk down the halls at WBU without turning on the light because I didn't know what might be lurking around the corner unseen.) I continue to struggle with the fear of being left alone -- either through death or desertion -- by those most important to me. If you could have seen me last night, you would also know that I continue to hate crawling things! That spider was ENORMOUS and I was not going to bed until I found it, killed it, decimated it, and disposed of it. All the while, I was walking on tiptoes and screeching like a little girl!