Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable. It is going to find its way into every life and every relationship. While it is painful to go through, we can sometimes find comfort in the knowledge that conflict -- when handled appropriately -- can result in a stronger relationship. How do we attempt to resolve conflict?

I've experienced conflict in my life and have learned the truth of the adage that "hurt people hurt people." What I have also learned is that the pain these hurt people have inflicted is sometimes completely unintentional. That's the first thing to do when facing conflict -- determine if the offending action was intentional or not. If it was not an intentional act, chalk it up to a mistake and a learning experience. It is still important to tell the other party in the relationship what they did that caused pain, but go into this conversation with a spirit of forgiveness. I recognize that you were not aware of how your action would impact me, so I'm not holding it against you.

If the action was intentional, the conversation between the two parties is still necessary. This discussion will be more difficult because we have to accept the fact that an apology may never come. It never feels good to tell someone how they have hurt you and have them respond with a "who cares" attitude.

While preparing to have a non-combative conversation is important, I have found that my response after the conversation needs greater attention in order to bring closure. The first thing to do after you have addressed an intentionally offensive act is to pray about it. Pray that healing will come to you. Pray for restoration with the other person. Pray that you will learn more about forgiveness in this process. It is also important to simply let it go. The hurt has occurred and you are unable to change it. Since you can't change it, there's no need to dwell on it. If you continually bring up the conflict, you are allowing the actions of an uncaring person to negatively impact your life.

Now it's time to determine your next step....regardless of what the other person does. I highly recommend seeking out some form of counseling to deal with the issue. Trained professionals are wonderful options, but you might also consider speaking with a minister, mentor, family member, or trusted friend. Ideally, you need to speak with a neutral party who can objectively listen, sympathize with your pain, and offer wise counsel.

It is also necessary to remove the negativity from your life. Once the conflict has happened, you cannot maintain your emotional health while attempting to interact with the offender. Sometimes you can simply avoid the person. If this is not possible -- because you work together or are both members of an organization -- you may have to take additional steps to remove the pain from your life. It seems extreme to suggest that you leave a job or some activity that you enjoy because of another person, but I can attest to the fact that it is a small sacrifice to pay to ensure your personal mental and spiritual health.

While dealing with the conflict, it is important that you don't bottle up your feelings. You have to have an outlet to let the pain out. If anyone suggests you push down your emotions or that you strive to "be the bigger person" in the situation, that is not someone who is offering you good advice. Humans have emotions that must be expressed in order to remain healthy. On the flip side, you cannot gossip about the other person either. If you begin to tear down another with your words, you are contributing to the conflict that is creating destruction in your world. Lastly, you must not allow yourself to play the role of the victim. You are not helpless in this conflict. You have options that will empower you and allow you to regain control over your personal life.

Conflict is tough. Unresolved conflict is tougher. Resolution can come in the form of restoration as well as in the dissolution of a relationship. Ultimately, the decision lies in your court. Do what's best for you and move on down the road to happiness.