The Need to Be Needed

Everyone likes to get a pat on the back from time to time. We need to hear that we are doing a good job. We need to know that what we are doing is important and significant. Does this mean that we are all looking to have our egos stroked? Does it make us insecure and immature? I don't think so. I think this need for affirmation from others is because we all desperately want to know that our lives and our work has significance. We need to know that we are needed.

Words of affirmation are a powerful tool in the arsenal of successful leaders. A thoughtful word of praise lets me know that you noticed my effort. Affirmation encourages me to continue pursuing excellence. It lets me know that my presence makes a difference and that what I'm doing makes a difference. Affirmation means that I'm not just "showing up."

When affirmation is missing, I begin to wonder why I even bother. It makes me think that I'm not doing a good job. I begin to second guess myself, my abilities, and my significance. The joy I found in the activity is gone because I'm only seeing the negative. Many creative people (like me) are hard-wired to be extremely critical of themselves and their work; we fail to see the good because of all the things that could have been done better in a project.

On the flip side, however, is false affirmation. When a person consistently gives me the same affirmation without any thought or constructive criticism, I quickly become convinced that I'm nothing more than a body filling a void that any idiot could handle. There's nothing special that I bring to the table. In many ways false affirmation can be more harmful to productivity than missing affirmation.

What's gotten me thinking about the need to be needed? I received an email last week from a knowledgeable person who gave me some unsolicited feedback about a recent project. While I have received affirmation from this individual in the past, the words were genuine, thoughtful, and based on specific observations. Suddenly, I knew that my efforts were noticed and I began to feel invigorated! I started to ask myself what I can do to be even better in relation to this responsibility. The increased effort is not based on a desire to receive public praise or to boast in the affirmation; it's simply because I know that what I do matters!

It's amazing to think that an email that was composed in less than 15 minutes with no public acknowledgement made such a world of difference and will carry me for quite a while in regards to that responsibility. I began to wonder who I could affirm with a word of encouragement. Just think of the impact we could all make if we chose to offer honest words of affirmation to a deserving person every time we considered criticizing another. One set of words builds up and encourages while the other destroys, depresses, and divides. I need to know that I am needed and want to pass that same sense of significance to others I meet daily.