Ma-Maw

Earlier this week, while sitting in the dining room, I noticed this picture of my mother's mother, Ma-Maw.  (You cannot imagine how long I sat trying to decide how I was going to spell that title.  Finally I decided that since this post will consist of my thoughts and memories, that my chosen spelling will be fine!)  My feelings about my grandmother are both wonderful and painful.  Even as I write now, I am fighting back tears.

Much of the sadness is associated with a level of frustration on all that I missed out on.  My grandmother passed away in February, just a few days before my birthday.  As well as I can recall, I was about to turn six.  My older brother and sister have such wonderful memories of this loving woman. In a way, I guess I'm jealous.  I know the stories, but that's all they are.  Cancer cheated me out of truly knowing Ma-Maw.

It's fairly easy to tell the things that I remember about her, because they are few and far between.  My memories of her home are associated with pictures I have seen; the only vivid images I can recall are those of the family gathering at her house after her death.

I have an image in my head of her in my home, looking out the front window.  Mom was either home from a recent surgery or was on her way home.  That's where the memory stops.

Looking at her picture and hearing the stories are tough.  How I long to have a memory of her voice, her laugh.  Sadly, that memory is not to be for me.  My experiences with a grandmother (Big Mother) was one in which I was always trying to perform, to prove that I was worthy of love.  Sadly, that's what I associate with grandparents.

I regret not knowing my grandmother but know it's not something I can change.  All I have are a couple of faint memories, photographs, and stories.  They are not nearly enough, but I hold onto them, knowing that one day soon we will be reunited in Heaven.  After seeing Christ and all the beauty of that place, I plan to find Ma-Maw and sit by the Crystal Sea for a nice long chat -- just me and her.  It's long overdue and we have so much to catch up on.